Before the advent of Facebook and other social utility sites, all relationships had two basic dimensions: in-person or over-the-phone communication. It was simple, and though AOL Instant Messenger connected us online, there were no real rules to follow. There wasn’t a need for rules in that era, but with Facebook’s insane popularity over the years, new manners and etiquette come into play. And with over 350 million people logging onto the site each month, you can bet the rules are often broken.

As a mode of harassment, an outlet for embarrassing pictures or a simple way to stay in contact with friends, Facebook can be either a weapon or a tool. Follow these five rules and you’ll have a successful online presence; beware the consequences if you break them.

1. Don’t friend anyone who shouldn’t know your secrets.

Your boss, your mother, your boyfriend’s grandmother and your English Composition 2 professor all have something in common: They don’t belong in your Facebook friend list. Steer clear from adding these people unless you have a rare relationship that can’t be made awkward from posts like “I can’t believe I let him do that last night!” showing up on their news feed. If someone in this group adds you, you can either deny them and say that it’s for your personal use or feed your heart to the wolves and add them. If you choose to add, make sure you censor your posts and remember to un-tag unsavory pictures of yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when Daddy sees the pictures of the party that took place while he was out of town.

2. Don’t post whatever you’re thinking at the moment; use a little discretion.

The “What’s on your mind?” text in the update box doesn’t mean “say anything you want.” You must be careful in posting your thoughts, because Facebook makes them public. If you called in sick to work, don’t post that you’re going to the mall to buy some new shoes. You’ll probably get fired. If you’re going out for the night, don’t post that your house is empty. You may get robbed. These are silly mistakes, but you must use supreme caution not to make them. Re-read your posts and make sure nothing harmful can surface from your words.

3. Don’t use somebody’s Facebook page to harass them.

“The worst thing I’ve experienced is some pretty harsh cyber harassment,” said Paul Reynolds, the administrator for the Facebook Etiquette group. “An ex-girlfriend teamed up with a bunch of people and harassed anyone who looked like they may be close to me. That was horribly unclassy. The new privacy settings have helped make this manageable, but really it’s more a reflection on the person doing the harassing than anyone else.”

Harassing someone over Facebook may seem like easy revenge, but it can only do more damage. If you have unfinished business with someone, confront them about it in the real world. Facebook isn’t the right outlet for you to get vindictive.

4. Don’t leak your relationship drama onto your Facebook.

If you’re in a relationship with someone, don’t end it over Facebook. That’s just rude, but the rules change after a break-up. There’s a cruel period where the dump-er and the dump-ee wait to see who will change their status to “single” first. Don’t play that game. If you break up with someone, make it official on Facebook too.

If you’re happily involved with someone, don’t obsess over a picture comment or a wall post on his/her page, because the only good thing that came from that kind of envy is this hilarious video.

5. Don’t use your Facebook to meet/stalk new people.

The point of having a Facebook is to stay updated with your friends’ lives. It’s not a forum to meet new people, and it shouldn’t be treated that way. Don’t add people you don’t know, because it’s kind of creepy. If you want to lurk someone’s life, get a Myspace.

Like a handshake that never seems to end, Facebook can be embarrassing and infuriating. Consequently, if you play by the rules, it can be entertaining and enjoyable. Have some manners, use your common sense and discretion and the ‘book will treat you well.

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New year, new decade, new times – makes us want to have new selves. Again I return to my friend Ambrose Bierce, who affirms that there is in fact nothing new under the sun, but there are plenty of old things we don’t know about yet. And by old things I mean, like, things that I didn’t know about until today. Old thing? Roll Out Flowers. It’s things like that which made me cut off DirecTV, and though I have somewhat socially stunted my growth in doing so, I don’t ever have to think about “Roll Out Flowers” again. Oh wait, but I just did. What brought me back to this perversion of nature?

It was seeing the concept of “Roll Out Flowers” done right.

A very small company on foodzie.com, TerraSource Gourmet Chocolates, makes mostly-gluten-free fairly-traded vegan dark chocolates made with local ingredients. But did you notice? They don’t bandy around the word “organic” like everyone else. I like that. I also like vegan dark chocolate, but what really made me take notice was this: “Packaging is another aspect that has a huge impact in terms of green practices. Our most unique offering is a two-piece favor box made of plantable paper embedded with native prairie seeds or a mix of wildflowers.”

This is new to me! But not new. I Googled “plantable paper history” and got 12,000 results, so yup, I just discovered something old. But how old? A bit more oogling and Googling produced nothing on the actual history of this practice, so I went to my most loved/hated source, Yahoo! Answers, to ask random people on the interwebs who would probably yell at me because the computer screen protects all. A guy named Ishtar suggested that paper was too rare and expensive until recently to engage in this practice. Sounds plausible, but I think more research is needed, perhaps a trip to my local top-tier college library? Not sure if it’s worth more or less than the 5 Yahoo points I sacrificed to ask that question.

You’ve got packaging; it needs to be recycled. Travel out the door in a green box and onto the truck to the paper recycling plant, where it goes through processes unknown to me and soon becomes a new product, which goes on a different truck back to a different store where somebody buys it and the cycle begins again. How much freaking fossil fuel does that process use?!?! I’m not saying “don’t recycle,” I’m saying “reuse first.” Would I pay a little bit more for paper packaging that comes embedded with seeds? Yes. I would throw that sucker in the ground and the buck stops here, man. “Roll Out Flowers” is chemical and wasteful, and doesn’t even work based on the reviews I read. But “plantable paper” is going on my “neat things list.” But wait – don’t I kill all plant life that I touch, seed format or not? Yes, yes I do. So I would give it to my daughter’s green-thumbed teachers and spread joy and happiness to the children. The chocolate, however, is all mine.

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Do straight men like anal toys? In fact, they do. My guess is that most men would like it if they tried it – but a lot of them won’t try it, because “OMG it might make me gay.” So if you’re a man who likes women, why would having your prostate stimulated make you gay? There’s no logic there, especially since not all gay men enjoy being on the receiving end of anal play either. So relax, and open your… mind.

If you’re just getting started, check out the NobEssence Romp. A small, beautifully crafted wooden probe, Romp is perfect for singles or couples and can be worn for long periods of time for prolonged anal stimulation. I always say the best sex toys don’t look like sex toys, and this is no exception. Romp looks like something your grandpa lovingly carved out of the fallen cherry tree in the backyard, the one that used to have the rope swing and the robin’s nest. Thanks, grandpa.

Beads are a fun way to add anal stimulation to couples or singles play. The sinFive Alterno anal beads are flexible and velvety, utilizing a variety of shapes and textures for different sensations.  Alterno is 18” long, so you can insert as much or as little as you want to reach your desired level of stimulation.

Ready for an anal dildo yet? Fun Factory’s Wanda is a great choice because the tip is shaped like a finger for easy and pleasurable insertion, allowing you to work Wanda in slowly and carefully as her girth increases. Plus Wanda just looks awesome. All wiggly and green and such.

The purpose of a plug is to stay in place, right where you comfortably nestled it. The nJoy Pure Plug stays in place and its oval base provides a secure grip for insertion and removal. Comfortable and firm with a flawless stainless steel design, Pure Plug comes in three different sizes for your comfort and requires very little lube upon entry. You can even wear this bad boy in public! No one has to know what you’re so happy about.
Are you ready for the ultimate in prostate massagers? Then let’s look at the LELO Billy. This vibrating prostate massager is powerful, quiet, rechargeable and lockable. Like all LELO products, Billy comes with a one year warranty, so you know he lives up to the fine standards of the LELO brand. Billy’s not just a regular vibrator – he’s designed for ergonomically specific prostate stimulation, in five unique modes, no less. The Cadillac of anal toys!

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Here’s what I said when I first saw the LELO Nea: “Awww, it’s a vibrator for little people! How thoughtful.” Like from the pictures, you wouldn’t know how small it is, which is precisely 3” by 4” by 2”. Yeah, it says that on the website, but I’m not a mathematically visual person. Clearly many bullets are smaller than Nea, so I don’t know why I was so surprised. I guess because of all the raving fans LELO, and Nea in particular, have generated. Big praise seems like it would equal big vibrator, but in fact it does not.

So what’s good about it? First, it’s the prettiest vibrator I’ve ever seen. I know, I know – why does that matter? Because it makes me want to buy it more. The prettier it is, the more I can justify spending $89 on it. Nea comes in this beautiful black box that you can use to store jewelry, regift something to your mom, or whatever. What else is in the box? A one year warranty, an owner’s manual, a charger cord (more about that in a minute) and of course, the tiny little beautiful vibrator itself. Wait, a one year warranty? Who makes sex toys with warranties? LELO does! Many sex toys are not designed to last – clearly, this one is.

First things first: plug it in. You heard me, no batteries in this vibrator! Use the wall charger to plug it in right next to your cell phone. A two hour charge gives seven hours of action – just make sure it turns off and stays off when not in use. The best way to do that is to enable the locking feature – hold down the two buttons simultaneously for 5 seconds and it locks – again, much like a cell phone. This is great because it won’t randomly turn itself on when the contents of your purse shift. Oh yeah – when I wrote one of my many gift guides, I included this awesome garden charging station, which would be absolutely perfect for charging your cell and your Nea.

So there’s these two buttons. Frankly, the buttons are my least favorite thing about Nea. This is one vibrator you definitely need the instruction manual to operate. The buttons are unlabeled, but one is “plus” and one is “minus.” Plus turns the Nea on, and each subsequent push increases the intensity. When it gets to full speed, the plus button turns into pulse control, where there’s five pulse types to choose from. The minus button goes from pulse mode to continual vibration mode – touch it again and it turns off.  There’s a small LED light around the buttons to help you see what you’re doing. I mean, it gets easier to navigate once you’ve messed with it for a while, but at first it’s fairly confusing.

So what’s good about Nea? Lots of things. First of all, it’s quiet. Really quiet! You can use it during partner sex because it rests conveniently and perfectly on your clitoral area. It also fits perfectly in your hand, so you don’t get that weird crampy holding-your-vibrator-for-too-long wrist feeling. It’s lightweight. Really lightweight! That combined with its size and the locking mechanism makes Nea an ideal travel companion. It totally holds a charge. I mean, 7 hours of use off a 2 hour charge? How long would it take you to use a vibrator for 7 hours? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. It depends on your level of orgasm addiction. But even if you’re 100% nympho, one charge will still last longer than one set of batteries. And do I even need to say that Nea doesn’t look like a vibrator? You could leave it on the coffee table when company drops by and no one would bat an eyelash – except maybe your aunt who has a secret sex toy collection to rival Imelda’s shoes.

Now, Nea does not come cheap. But what good things in life do? Nea costs around $90, and in some ways is the “next step down” from the LELO Lily. However, the main difference between these two is the exterior finish – Nea is plastic with a porcelain-like texture, while Lily is silicone with a more silky feel. However, Nea actually glides better across your clitoral area, which I prefer. The texture is subjective, but Nea is my choice in that department (saves you $40 too).

For some, Nea might not provide quite the oomph expected. I can definitely see how some women would want a more powerful vibrator, but that is not the case for me. If Nea’s not quite got the juice you want, try lying on your stomach on top of Nea. Your body weight will bring you closer to the vibrations and their beautiful, beautiful conclusion.

My verdict? Get LELO Nea. If all women had one, the world would be such a nicer place. What? I’m just saying. Not having orgasms makes us crabby. OK, it makes me crabby. And with all the stuff I have to do this week to prepare for holiday madness, I can float through my crazy days a little easier – Nea style.

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Not just for BDSM enthusiasts anymore, metal sex toys are now throwing their weight around with couples (and singles) who don’t enjoy hurting themselves or others. Unlike other sex toys, made of silicone, rubber, “jelly” and plastic, a metal toy has no give whatsoever and is much heavier than anything else you’re used to.

Precious metal sex toys are made from titanium, stainless steel, aluminum, silver and yes, even gold. They’re durable enough to last a lifetime with proper care, and non-vibrating metal toys can be boiled for easy sterilization. They warm and cool easily for extra sensations.

There are two questions I always ask myself when I’m putting something into my body. Usually food, drink or medicine, but occasionally other things too. 1) Will it hurt me? and 2) how? So to start, here’s a quick rundown on the safety of the precious metals that are typically used to craft sex toys.

As long as you don’t eat aluminum you should be all good with aluminum toys, unless you are allergic to that particular element. Not many people are, but you need to figure that out before you get one. Titanium and aluminum are pretty harmless metals. If you have major skin issues and want to try a metal sex toy, one of these would be good to start with. Aluminum in particular is also lighter than the more common stainless steel, again making this a good material to get you started on precious metal sex toys.

Interesting fact: gold was once voted the “allergen of the year” by the American Contact Dermatitis Society, and unlucky for half of us, usually only affects women. This is very strange. Why, when I go to Piercing Pagoda (ok, I was 13 when I used to go there), do they use gold studs when I tell them I’m allergic to all the other cheap crap they use? Anyway, before you buy a gold vibrator you better know if you’re allergic. That’s a sentence I really never thought I would write.

Now, question #2. I’ve established how to avoid irritation from various precious metals (not too hard to do for most people). But I need to know if I’m going to hurt myself with it too. As I said before, metal toys are hard and heavy, some more than others. If you’re using something like the LELO Yva (and who doesn’t want this beautiful pleasure luxury?), no need to worry about exploring your hidden nether regions. IF you’ve purchased the LELO Olga or the njoy Pure Wand, you’ll need to exercise caution.

Apply a little lubrication and slowly work your metal vibrator or dildo into your orifice of choice. Go very slow and don’t poke around too much – you’ve got bones and organs up in there. And for the love of God, take it out if it hurts. Once you’ve become experienced in the ways of heavy metal, then you can rock it out a little harder.  Yes, I’m aware that death metal fans and geologists alike are now cringing horribly. You’re welcome.

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