Now that it’s March, I just got around to picking up my February copy of Skirt! Magazine (then added the March issue to the mounting pile on my desk that needs attention). Skirt! Magazine is, in their own words, “All about women…their work, play, families, creativity, style, health and wealth, bodies and souls. Skirt! is an attitude…spirited, independent, outspoken, serious, playful and irreverent, sometimes controversial and always passionate.” Their free print magazine is circulated in many Southeastern cities, with web markets in additional regions nationally. I appreciate Skirt! for not focusing on issues that many magazines marketed to women do: celebrity gossip, relationships, losing weight, mommyhood, beauty products, etc. It’s not that they won’t touch on these subjects, but you’ll also find profiles of local businesswomen, intelligent essays, elegant graphics and ideas on how to empower young women. The back cover of the February issue caught my eye, not because it was something new to me, but because it was something that I had tossed into a mental paper shredder upon first mention.

The 3/50 Project is a movement to support local businesses and bring money back to individual communities. The challenge is to choose three local stores which are important to you and vow to spend $50 each month at those stores. By shopping locally, not only will you support local business proprietors, you will also help the entire community by keeping your money at home. According to the 3/50 project, “for every $100 spent in locally owned stores, $68 returns to the community through taxes, payroll and other expenditures. If you spend that at a national chain, only $43 stays here.” Needless to say, shopping online brings no revenue home (though I admit, sometimes the savings and convenience of online purchases take precedent). The 3/50 Project has gotten more press than I could ever hope to net in my whole life, and the only possible downside anyone (other than a corporate CEO) can find is that the impact may or may not have a long term effect on communities.

The reason I initially shrugged off this call to action is because I already do it, but don’t think about it. Though I haven’t done the math, I’m positive my family spends $50 per month at local restaurants, bars and coffee shops. The more closely I read the ad copy, the project seems to focus on local stores, not just local businesses. My husband and I began to rack our brains to figure out what non-consumables we buy locally. He occasionally goes to a local hardware store, but more often than not, only Lowes has the specific tool he needs. When a kid’s birthday party arises, I often buy a present from a local toy store, even though the selection is poor and the proprietor is not quite friendly. We realized that we don’t buy much beyond food, gas and beer. Rarely do we buy new clothes; our daughter’s clothes are all hand-me-downs from friends. I bought a new book recently, but it had to come from Borders – independent bookstores have died in my town. I buy jewelry sometimes on etsy.com, which does not support my community, but supports an independent artisan somewhere.

The 3/50 Project is important, and I thank the editors of Skirt! for running the ad on their back cover. As much as I identify with local business owners, it’s more important to curb our consumption than it is to buy stuff we don’t need. I would love to shop at my local organic clothing boutique, but it’s more sustainable and affordable to buy from a thrift store. However, 3/50 has got me thinking about the few things that I do buy, and where I buy them from. But then all sorts of new questions arise. Should I have spent the gas money to drive 40 minutes to an independent bookstore to purchase the book I needed? The minutia of my own environmental impact plagues me as I debate about where and how to spend my dollars. Solution? Simplify.

If you’re like me and don’t consume many non-consumables, don’t use the 3/50 Project as an excuse to start buying unnecessary material goods. Instead, just make your usual purchases, but make them smart. Give the farmer’s market a try instead of Whole Foods. Skip TGI Friday’s in favor of a local restaurant. Try that little coffee shop you’ve never been to next time you get a Starbucks craving. Or, just cook more at home. Buy (locally, of course) an espresso maker and become your own barista. You’ll waste fewer paper coffee cups. When you do go out for coffee, bring a mug. Do I do all these things? No. But I’m going to try, and though it doesn’t quite fit the mission, I’ll name the 3/50 Project as my inspiration.

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The season when the shadows shorten, the days get longer and nature stirs is approaching: Spring. Our planet is increasing its tilt toward the sun as we speak, and the snow, frost and ice will soon lose the battle between the two warring seasons.

If you’re scratching your head, thinking “Spring?” and trying to remember the sweet smell of honeysuckle, fear not. March 20, the first day of spring this year, is just around the corner. As the flowers start to bloom and the grass turns green again, your body will reject winter’s slow death and start to wake up too, physiologically, sexually and mentally.

And then the fever hits. Spring fever has many symptoms: a yearning to go mad with love, restlessness, intense nervous excitement, haywire hormones. While spring fever isn’t a medical affliction, it is a real phenomenon that has been studied and proved by scientists.

It’s about time for things to warm up, and I can’t wait to catch the fever. If there’s still snow on the ground in your neighborhood, fret not. That just means you have more time to prepare for your body’s alarm clock to ring! Don’t worry, your hibernation time is almost over. Here’s five tips on how to make the most out of spring fever when it hits.

1. Shed any winter depression and embrace the fever.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is most closely linked with winter, the season when nature gets covered up and dies. It affects everyone to a certain degree, though there are those who are devastated by depression in the winter months. Those days are almost over, and a little sunshine thawing out your bones will naturally boost your mood. It’s scientifically proven. Just as you shed your despair, you should accept the desires that come with spring. Your biological clock, known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, gives you more energy as the days become longer. We have more energy, are more sexually engaged, and it’s only natural, so embrace it!

2. When enthralled with love, use caution. Better yet, use protection.

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote “In spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” This is obviously a classic case of spring fever. In a biology book titled Mammalian Sexual Biology by Frank Bronson, mammals were observed following a seasonal mating pattern. You and I are just as much mammal as the next anthropoid. Spring is prime mating season in the animal world, and our bodies are included in that realm. It’s only natural for our loins to rouse at the sight of a handsome young dude, but we must be smarter than our animal brethren and be safe in our feverish exploits, not become boy-crazy fiends. I’ll spell it out. Use a condom.

3. Revamp last year’s warm-weather wardrobe.

It’s time to take your short-shorts and sandals out of the boxes in the attic. Even though it may hurt to look at all the cute stuff you won’t be able to wear for another month or so, it’s important to be prepared! Start with the basics: swimsuits, shorts, tank tops, t-shirts. Go crazy with sexy underwear, because you never know who will see them. Spring collections are just starting to hit the racks, but if you’re more gifted in the style department than in the wallet, think of ways to spice up the clothes you already have. Add a stud belt around last year’s dress, or a sun hat from the thrift store to your tube-top-and-shorts ensemble. It’s all about looking and feeling good when you have spring fever, so indulge yourself.

4. Maintain your body.

Get out the razor and shave those winter legs. Tame the parts of your body that haven’t seen daylight since last summer, since they’re about to beg to be shown. I’m self-medicating the fever by buying a new razor and a “ready betty” kit by Betty Beauty, and by stocking up on my nail polish colors. For those of you eager to develop a “base tan,” break out the self tanner, but please, be careful not to overdo it and color yourself orange. Even I, a deliberately pale chick, can understand the desire to look like a golden goddess for spring, but you don’t want to start off the season looking like Ernie from Sesame Street, do you? No, you do not.

5. Make a season-related promise to yourself.

It could be that you’ll talk to the guy you’ve been crushing on before spring ends (no brainer, just do it. The fever may catch on!), or that you’ll go swimming at least 5 times in your new swimsuit before June (yes, hot tubs count.) For those who catch the fever and can’t commit to anything, simply make a vow to enjoy the season when everything wakes up, the fruit is sweeter and it’s ripe for the picking.

The sexual, youthful, insatiable parts of us are starting to reawaken with a hunger for life and sunshine in some parts of the country. In others, two months time and thoughts of Shia Labeouf and the like will be making you purr. Maybe that one’s just me.

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In the car world, there’s always something better just over the horizon. Oh, you just got the 2010 Cadillac Escalade Hybrid? That stinks; they just came out with the 2015 version. And it can fly. Personal vehicles are one of the hardest “keeping up with the Jonses” things to actually keep up with. They’re expensive, lose half their value when you drive them off the lot, and like computers, they will be obsolete in six months. Then, as soon as you buy a Toyota Matrix – as soon as I buy one, anyway – Toyota recalls 8.5 million vehicles.  Mr. Toyota (yes, that’s the president’s name) plans to apologize today. Thank you?

That being said, Nissan has a new vehicle coming out that I’m actually excited about. It’s the Nissan LEAF: “100% electric, zero emissions.” I recognize and acknowledge their marketing efforts, but as some internet cats might say, “Ur doin it rong.”  On Nissan’s website, you can supposedly get a real-time answer to a question via Twitter. I asked an expert to define “100% torque,” but the application failed. There’s also a section for FAQs, divided into categories that circle an environmental-looking wheel. It’s hard to explain, you’ll need to look at it. But actually don’t bother, because that feature doesn’t work either. There’s also these inexplicable yellow and gray dots that switch the main picture from a photograph to a video, though you would never, ever, ever know what the dots are for.

You can Digg, Stumble, Facebook and Myspace the link to LEAF’s website. I’m not sure who would Myspace anything – a band I guess – but the option is there. I found out about the LEAF (Leading Environmentally-friendly Affordable Family Car) through an ad when I Googled something like “hippie music festivals.” Ironically, there is a hippie music festival called LEAF (Lake Eden Arts Festival), and hippies do like electric cars, so that was a good marketing move. Although it’s not that hard to get your Nissan ad to pop up in relevant places.

Via Twitter again, Nissan announced that the car will get 367 mpg. 367 mpg? It’s an electric car… how exactly do the gallons factor in? Gallons of electricity? The Wikipedia quote is “367 mpg plug-to-wheel using the Department of Energy’s formula.”  As a non-car enthusiast, I have no idea what that means. Let’s go ahead and make the argument that the majority of women are non-car enthusiasts too. I will also argue that only a small segment of the U.S. population is car enthusiasts. I just wanted information about the car independent of Nissan’s website, and about all I could find were techy car blogs. The Huffington Post offered a plain-English comparison of the LEAF and the Chevy Volt, which has a more informative website. But I just wanted to know about the LEAF. In fact, the only non-Nissan-sponsored, layman’s terms description of the car I could find was in a Forbes article called “Why Nissan’s Electric Car Will Flop.”

So, I must rely on Nissan to tell me about their new car, since I don’t have time to take an automotive class at this point in my life. LEAF has no tailpipe, and therefore no emissions. It doesn’t run on gas – only a battery. You can plug it in “like your blender.” Was that a subtle attempt to reach women? Just telling us about the car in standard English is all I’m asking for; I don’t really need to identify my car with my kitchen appliances. But I’ll excuse that, because this car could be the one to truly galvanize the auto industry to green. Or it could, like Forbes said, completely fail. I hope Twitter, the dots and the blender are not harbingers.

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Grunge fashion, the iconic 90s style that was ultimately co-opted by flannel shirts and pre-ripped jeans at the Gap and modeled by Kate Moss, is on the rise again. What always appealed to me about grunge fashion was its inherent laziness. Ill-fitting clothes from Goodwill became cool. The best grunge outfit could be put together on the cheap; the only expensive and necessary accessory was your Doc Martens. Add a black ski cap, ripped fishnets and some Urban Decay makeup, and you were set. Looking disheveled was the whole point – something I wholeheartedly identified with, since I was harboring some pretty serious angst for the Bucks-wearing field-hockey-playing “everything in its right place” girls. Seriously, Bucks? What were they thinking? That’s why they’re 80% off.

A few incarnations have alluded to grunge fashion over the years, like boho (thanks for ruining that, Olsen twins), skater chic (think Avril Lavigne) and eco couture (mainly the simplicity of earth tones and vegan boots). So in a sense, it’s been with us ever since Pearl Jam appeared on “Ten” with flannel shirts, messy hair and ripped everything – which was all a backlash against glam and hair metal, which grunge thankfully put into their graves. The new grunge is, according to FocusOnStyle.com, “grunge but not grungy.” As the New York Times puts it, “this tricky style, which owes a debt to the raffish street garb of New York and London hipsters, requires a balance of pattern and proportion more artful than might be supposed.” And the strange thing is, I actually kind of like it.

I just stumbled upon polyvore.com, a totally necessary virtual changing room. Pick the clothes, shoes and accessories, drag and drop to create different looks. Yes, I realize that Barbie has a video game for that. It’s not a new idea, but it’s perfect for people like me –the stylistically challenged. I wish there was a model you could put the stuff on, but I didn’t see one, so I created this fabulous new grunge outfit that looks like it came from Goodwill and Hot Topic, but actually costs like a thousand dollars:

Another thing I like about the grunge fashion revival is the emphasis on vintage pieces. You can wear those combat boots from Goodwill with a fresh-off-the-runway Alexander Wang jacket. The juxtaposition works. So please excuse me while I check the balance on my credit card and dig up my old Pearl Jam ringer tee.

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Thank you, PBS. You always come through for the kids, whether it was teaching us to love books with “Reading Rainbow” or telling us how to avoid being kidnapped with “Stranger Danger.”

PBS’s newest campaign is “Don’t Buy It.” They want kids to start looking critically at the ways advertisers speak to them, inviting them to identify false advertising, brand names and tricks of the marketing trade. I was pleasantly surprised at the level of depth in which some issues are discussed on the PBS site – like asking kids if buying a certain product will make them happy or popular, or if the celebrity advertising [insert popular kid thing here] actually uses the product. These and other similar angles are addressed in a section called “Question the Commercial.” Other site segments include:

What’s in the Shopping Bag: This section discusses how misleading packaging can be. Is there really any fruit in that Fruit Roll Up? I doubt it.

Hot or Snot – Did it Sell?: Kids are asked to look at products from previous generations, some of which are New Coke, a Pet Rock and a Menudo album, and decide whether the products were successful or not. And yes, I got all of these right. This is probably the most confusing take on advertising in this campaign, as the connection between stupid things being popular then and stupid things being popular now isn’t explored.

The Cost of Cool: Kids pick from two models wearing similar clothes. Which one is name-brand and which is bargain-brand? Invariably, I picked the wrong one in every single instance. Of course, this quiz isn’t really targeted to my demographic. It is hard to tell though – I doubt kids would be able to. This section asks the question “what’s in a name?”

Is the Price Right?: My computer is missing a plug-in for this page. I wish they would have told me which plug-in, and directed me to a place where I could download it.

In the section that addresses entertainment, kids learn how models are prepped for the camera, including trade secrets like rubbing Preparation H on your face to minimize puffiness. It also covers music in commercials, the discrepancy between TV and real life, how pop stars are manufactured and how much time kids spend with something digital in front of their face. This last point is slightly ironic, since PBS Kids online has games and TV shows. I don’t think 23 minutes of “Cyberchase” counts as educational TV. From what I can discern, it’s a show about kids who travel through cyberspace, which looks a lot like outer space, and try to thwart computer hackers.

The site progresses to a page urging kids to speak up about misleading or offensive advertising, providing contact information for large toy companies and the FCC, among other government agencies. Also available are links to other advertising awareness sites and stories about kids who are taking a stand against predatory marketing. Teen heroes, if you will.

The final section promises “Free Stuff.” When I clicked on a link for a sticker, my browser tried to open a new window for a pdf (I assume these stickers are printable on your home computer?), then froze. I downloaded a screensaver which saved itself as a binary file in my pictures folder. Upon redo, I got a zipped file that couldn’t be run, opened or verified. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of the “free stuff” execution.

This campaign has some other flaws too. Most notably, the page design. The content is all small and weird with annoying blinky ads at the top of most pages (designed to steer kids away from clicking on blinky ads; it kind of doesn’t work).  Why doesn’t the content take up the whole page? Why is there all this empty space underneath the graphics? Maybe it’s a subliminal message that advertising itself is empty, but unfortunately it just makes PBS’s campaign look empty.

In an age where kids are hyper-aware of graphic design, whether they know it or not, the “Don’t Buy It” campaign’s not going to work as it is now. The idea behind it is spot-on, completely necessary in a society gone consumer-crazy. In recent news, Pepsi is putting junk food in the toy aisles at Wal-Mart now – because it just makes it that much harder to say “no” to your kids as they wave Doritos bags and video games in your face. I feel I barely even need to mention all the problems that fast food and video games are causing. We know what they are, but even as adults we sometimes buy into it.

Ultimately, PBS has an amazing idea that just needs an makeover to become relevant. You know, have the site be designed for 10 year-olds, not by 10 year-olds. If I possessed even an inkling of graphic design skill, I would happily offer my services pro bono to give “Don’t Buy It” the amazing face it deserves.

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1. A Singular Issue

I’m of the mind that anyone and everyone can benefit from a little bit of skincare and makeup….as long as it makes you feel more comfortable. I do have some friends that are so freaked out by the idea of applying eyeliner (or the actual purpose of bronzer) they wouldn’t go near it for a million dollars without a supervisor. The thing is, these friends of mine are usually so comfortable and good-looking in their own skin that they don’t need the stuff anyway. I’ve always been jealous. If I walked out of my house without foundation and at least mascara on, I might as well be stark naked.

My mom bought me my first foundation when I was in sixth grade. It was Chanel (I know, I was lucky to have a generous mother with such excellent taste) and I’ve been wearing foundation every day since. Though if I took the time to count how many foundations (and mascaras, blushes, eyeliners, cleansers, moisturizers, and blemish medications) I’ve tried since sixth grade…nope, never mind. I’m not going to do that.

As far as my skin-type goes, mine’s pretty darn sensitive. It was just as acne-prone as any other teenager’s, but it was the products that made my skin go nuts. Irritation from those products can have lasting effects too, and make your skin over-compensate for long periods of time. Through years of struggling with my over-reactive and sensitive skin, I’ve subjected myself to any number of things that had awful results. Blemishes, dry skin, oily skin, skin that hurt so bad I couldn’t touch it. And no, none of that is from surgery of any sort. If I’d just known a handful of the things I know now, my face and my checking account would be so much happier. I want to share some of the things I’ve learned with you in hopes that someone (somewhere) might luck out sooner than I did. What follows are seven concepts to consider when it comes to navigating the skincare and makeup aisle. Enjoy!

1. Cleansers only need to do one thing. Clean your face.

Most cleansers claim they can help with a variety of skin problems ranging from wrinkles to acne. But remember, you’re simply washing whatever ingredients they claim work miracles right off your face. What sense does that make? Just buy a basic cleanser that removes your makeup, otherwise it’s more like washing your money down the drain.

2. Save that squeaky-clean feeling for your dishes.

Your face should never, ever look or feel like a plate you just pulled out of the dishwasher. If your face has that “squeaky-clean” feel after cleansing (i.e. tight, shiny, dry, etc.) it’s time to switch cleansers. What that feeling means is you’ve stripped your skin of all the moisture and essential oils that keep it balanced. Now your skin is going to retaliate by acting very, very angry. Ever wonder how skin can look flaky but feel oily all at the same time? Yep, your face is angry.

3. Moisturize.

Self-explanatory! The only thing I should add is that exfoliating once and a while will slough dead skin cells off your face and make your moisturizer more effective. Even if you just use your normal cleanser with a clean (clean!) washcloth…I promise you will see a difference no matter what your skin type.

4. Nothing should make your skin worse before it gets better.

If you use a product and it does anything, anything that makes your skin look or feel worse than it was before…stop using it! This one is difficult for me. I always want to believe that after a couple days of “sticking with it,” my skin will magically become radiant through the power of my dedication. I’m still waiting for that theory to pay off.

5. Read the ingredients, no matter how scary they sound.

Knowing exactly what you’re putting on your face can be very eye-opening. Once I began reading the ingredients on the back of my skincare products, I realized I needed to do a little research. Hopefully, you will too. Regardless if they’re synthetic or organic, educating yourself on the ingredients in that bottle will make you more confident in your purchases and eventually help you recognize the things that are beneficial or harmful to your skin. For instance, tocopheryl acetate sounds like saran wrap from outer space, but it’s actually just a term for Vitamin E.

5. Myths versus facts versus straight-up lies: you can learn to tell the difference!

This one can get a bit heavy. So to make it easier and give you an idea of what I’m talking about, here are some quick bullets to get you started.

- Ingredients are listed in order of their amount. The lower on the list, the less of that ingredient there is in the product. Many times, a product will be marketed for including a specific ingredient that might do exactly what they say it does, but there is not enough of it in the product to be effective!

- “Oil-free” is a concept that’s been around for a long time. Guess what? Oil in cosmetics and the oil your skin produces are two completely different things. In truth, ingredients like cosmetics-grade mineral oil are 100% natural and known to be the safest, most non-irritating moisturizing ingredients available. Also, plenty of products that are advertised as oil-free aren’t.

- “Alcohol-free” is a statement to watch for. Once again, many products listed as being “alcohol-free” aren’t. And unlike “oil-free” you really want your products to be “alcohol-free.” Alcohols are harsh, drying, and generally evil. It’s like putting nail polish remover (or vodka) on your face. Ew.

- There are two different types of alcohol. Fatty alcohols (which will generally not have the word “alcohol” in their ingredient name) and low-density alcohols. They’re also referred to as fatty acids. Though both types come from the same organic compounds, fatty alcohols have a higher density and are therefore not nearly as toxic, harmful, or drying. Fatty alcohols are usually just used as thickeners or emollients in many cosmetics (and food!).  You’ll see a ton of them if you look on the back of Cetaphil cleanser, which is one of the mildest cleansers you can find. Low-density alcohols are the ones to avoid at all costs. They are found in many toners, astringents, and acne medications, and names for them include: ethanol, denatured alcohol, sd alcohol, benzyl alcohol, ethyl alcohol, and isopropyl alcohol. All of them are bad!

- Triclosan is an ingredient found in many hand soaps and acne products. This is because it’s antibacterial. It is also technically a pesticide and a possible human carcinogen. To put it in perspective, it is highly toxic to many forms of marine life. It kills fish, and you might be putting it on your face.

- Packaging is very important, and I’m not talking about whether or not it looks pretty. I’m simply referring to jars versus pumps. Pumps limit the product’s exposure to air and bacteria. Jars are just inviting bacteria to set up house. Also, continuous exposure to air causes a lot of products to break down over time, become unstable, and ultimately less effective.

- AHA’s (alpha hydroxy acids) and BHA’s  (beta hydroxy acids) are two very effective exfoliants. They are usually found in a cream, lotion, or serum form. AHA’s slough off dead surface skin cells and BHA’s actually exfoliate the interior of your pores. Both help with acne, blackheads and whiteheads. Hooray! AHA’s and BHA’s require a specific Ph level to be effective. So before you run out and buy a product containing either of these ingredients, check one of the websites listed at the end of this article to make sure they’re even capable of doing their job. Unfortunately, most aren’t.

6. The ladies at the makeup counter will say anything to get you to buy something.

Most of the employees at cosmetics counters live in the same dark closet we do when it comes to the myths and facts of the skincare industry. They will tell you about the miracle ingredients in their products and say they use it every day. They will say that “studies” have shown goodness-knows-how-many-things about the newest cream they got in this week. So when someone at a makeup counter tells you that their entire line of products must to be used together to be most effective, they are lying. They may not know it because they’re told to say that in all their seminars…but they are still lying. If a product really works, it will work regardless if you buy the less effective product sitting next to it. Remember, it’s their job to get you to buy as much as possible, so take everything they say with a grain of salt and try not to feel too pressured when they step on your heels as you stroll around the counter.

7. If it sounds too good to be true…

You know the rest. The only things cosmetics companies are required to tell you on the packaging are the ingredients. After that, they can say anything they want about what those ingredients do. I wish I could vouch for the integrity of the cosmetics industry, but it is an industry and their goal is to get you to buy their product. You know those creams that reverse aging? How about the foundation that self-adjusts to your skin type or the lighting, the serum that can alter the cellular makeup of your skin, and (let’s not forget!) this week’s newly discovered “miracle ingredient?” I want to believe. I really do. But if these products really did everything they claim, they would cost a lot more and most women in the world would be using them. And remember, every magazine that promotes a new product was paid to do it. I know, it hurts my feelings too.  But nothing can reverse aging but a talented doctor with a scalpel. We can just do the best we can to enhance and care for what we have.

8. I know I said I’d only subject you to 7 bold-faced headings in this list, but I lied.

Lastly, don’t be intimidated. You can feel confident in the makeup or skincare aisle, and you don’t need to spend a fortune. Just peruse some of the websites below and you’ll see! I simply don’t want anyone to go through what I went through: ten years of trial-and-error that showed on my face which wreaked havoc on my self-concept. My face and I are very happy now, and we want you to be too.

.

Please take a look at Paula Begoun’s highly effective website http://www.cosmeticscop.com/. Ms. Begoun’s website continues to be an excellent resource for me. She reviews all brands on a product-by-product basis, picking them apart and comparing companies’ claims to their products’ actual effectiveness.

A slightly harder to navigate but still resourceful website entitled Truth In Aging can be found at http://www.truthinaging.com/. It does much the same as Paula Begoun’s site. It’s just always nice to have a second opinion.

Here is an article entitled “Beyond Parabens: 7 Common Cosmetic Ingredients You Need To Avoid” located at http://www.treehugger.com/files/2009/08/beyond-parabens.php. There are a number of very current articles just like this scattered throughout Treehugger.com.

And, as always, if you want to read entries from people who rate things violently and often, you won’t get anything more honest than the product-by-product reviews at http://sephora.com/.

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It almost seems too trite to be true – in fact, it sounds like something a panel of male marketing execs came up with.

Exec 1: “Women like chocolate. Women like clothes. Hey! Let’s make clothes out of chocolate!”

Exec 2: “Why not make chocolate out of clothes?”

Exec 1: “…”

Exec 2: “Or shoes.”

Exec 1: “Yes! Shoes made out of chocolate! This is ‘Sex in the City’ good!”

Did she take a bite before she stepped on the runway?

I also enjoy how public opinion (ok, opinion at one AOL blog) changes based on seemingly unimportant details. Chocolate show with fashion? Ew. Fashion show with chocolate? Yum! Are you drooling or horrified? Make up your mind!

I couldn’t help but think of the Project Runway challenge in which the designers had five minutes to run around the Hershey’s store and gather materials, and Jillian made a dress out of Twizzlers. She made a cool dress that didn’t really fit her model’s bust, but could you do any better? I think not.

At least on Project Runway the marketing was blatant – it was a giant ad for Hershey’s. But the chocolate fashion show marketing seems slightly more sinister, in a let’s-play-to-women’s-stereotypes way. The chocolate clothes, handbags, fans and shoes are novel, obviously unwearable, and ultimately a gimmick, like my idea to write a novel on Twitter, one sentence at a time, which someone else has probably already done.

Really, nothing is surprising in the fashion world anymore. I would like to see clothes made out of liquid or intangible things. Some possible suggestions for materials: hope, clouds, frustration, coconut milk, the internet. Designers, you have one hour.

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Here’s what I said when I first saw the LELO Nea: “Awww, it’s a vibrator for little people! How thoughtful.” Like from the pictures, you wouldn’t know how small it is, which is precisely 3” by 4” by 2”. Yeah, it says that on the website, but I’m not a mathematically visual person. Clearly many bullets are smaller than Nea, so I don’t know why I was so surprised. I guess because of all the raving fans LELO, and Nea in particular, have generated. Big praise seems like it would equal big vibrator, but in fact it does not.

So what’s good about it? First, it’s the prettiest vibrator I’ve ever seen. I know, I know – why does that matter? Because it makes me want to buy it more. The prettier it is, the more I can justify spending $89 on it. Nea comes in this beautiful black box that you can use to store jewelry, regift something to your mom, or whatever. What else is in the box? A one year warranty, an owner’s manual, a charger cord (more about that in a minute) and of course, the tiny little beautiful vibrator itself. Wait, a one year warranty? Who makes sex toys with warranties? LELO does! Many sex toys are not designed to last – clearly, this one is.

First things first: plug it in. You heard me, no batteries in this vibrator! Use the wall charger to plug it in right next to your cell phone. A two hour charge gives seven hours of action – just make sure it turns off and stays off when not in use. The best way to do that is to enable the locking feature – hold down the two buttons simultaneously for 5 seconds and it locks – again, much like a cell phone. This is great because it won’t randomly turn itself on when the contents of your purse shift. Oh yeah – when I wrote one of my many gift guides, I included this awesome garden charging station, which would be absolutely perfect for charging your cell and your Nea.

So there’s these two buttons. Frankly, the buttons are my least favorite thing about Nea. This is one vibrator you definitely need the instruction manual to operate. The buttons are unlabeled, but one is “plus” and one is “minus.” Plus turns the Nea on, and each subsequent push increases the intensity. When it gets to full speed, the plus button turns into pulse control, where there’s five pulse types to choose from. The minus button goes from pulse mode to continual vibration mode – touch it again and it turns off.  There’s a small LED light around the buttons to help you see what you’re doing. I mean, it gets easier to navigate once you’ve messed with it for a while, but at first it’s fairly confusing.

So what’s good about Nea? Lots of things. First of all, it’s quiet. Really quiet! You can use it during partner sex because it rests conveniently and perfectly on your clitoral area. It also fits perfectly in your hand, so you don’t get that weird crampy holding-your-vibrator-for-too-long wrist feeling. It’s lightweight. Really lightweight! That combined with its size and the locking mechanism makes Nea an ideal travel companion. It totally holds a charge. I mean, 7 hours of use off a 2 hour charge? How long would it take you to use a vibrator for 7 hours? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. It depends on your level of orgasm addiction. But even if you’re 100% nympho, one charge will still last longer than one set of batteries. And do I even need to say that Nea doesn’t look like a vibrator? You could leave it on the coffee table when company drops by and no one would bat an eyelash – except maybe your aunt who has a secret sex toy collection to rival Imelda’s shoes.

Now, Nea does not come cheap. But what good things in life do? Nea costs around $90, and in some ways is the “next step down” from the LELO Lily. However, the main difference between these two is the exterior finish – Nea is plastic with a porcelain-like texture, while Lily is silicone with a more silky feel. However, Nea actually glides better across your clitoral area, which I prefer. The texture is subjective, but Nea is my choice in that department (saves you $40 too).

For some, Nea might not provide quite the oomph expected. I can definitely see how some women would want a more powerful vibrator, but that is not the case for me. If Nea’s not quite got the juice you want, try lying on your stomach on top of Nea. Your body weight will bring you closer to the vibrations and their beautiful, beautiful conclusion.

My verdict? Get LELO Nea. If all women had one, the world would be such a nicer place. What? I’m just saying. Not having orgasms makes us crabby. OK, it makes me crabby. And with all the stuff I have to do this week to prepare for holiday madness, I can float through my crazy days a little easier – Nea style.

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Lubricants? What’s to know? Grab that olive oil from above the stove and get to it, right?

Well, yes. If you’re a man solo masturbating with no sexual aids. If you take nothing else out of this piece of infotainment, take this: generally speaking, don’t use oil based lubes unless you are a man solo masturbating with no sexual aids! What’s so bad about oil based lubricant? It corrodes latex, meaning condoms and latex sex toys. It can give women a vaginal infection. Stick to massage only with oil – I don’t care what you massage, as long as it’s not a vagina, condom or sex toy.

I hope I didn’t scare you. I just wanted to get that out of the way before we move on to good lube for partner play – water based lubricants. Not sticky or corrosive, they’re easy to clean up and quite widely available. They generally cost less than other types of lube, come in flavored and warming varieties and can be reactivated with more water. Sadly, there’s a few downsides. Most water based lubrications contain glycerin, a type of sugar that can cause yeast infections. Not good, not good. The best water based lubricants are sugar-free (no glycerin). Check out Sliquid, Swiss Navy, Wet Naturals and Intimate Organics. Often water based lubes contain parabens, which are preservatives found in pretty much every other personal care product you use. I’m not going to go into an eco-rant about parabens, but it’s probably best to try to avoid them if you can. You can find paraben-free lubricants here.

Now. KY jelly was originally designed as a medical aid to help doctors look at stuff. It’s not made for prolonged use (though you can prolong it all you want – you’ll probably have to get more though), and personal lubricants have come a long way since KY was introduced. They have some new products out with some of the qualities of better lubes, but KY is still playing catch up with the niche brands.

One last thing: water based lubes don’t work well on waterproof toys! Your toy’s all like “take that, water!” and your lube’s all like “damn, it’s like oil and water or something…” It is oil and water! Save yourself the frustration and get a silicone based lubricant for your waterproof sex toys.

As long as we’re talking silicone, let’s run with that. Silicone based lubricants are somewhat similar to water-based ones, but they’re greasier, last longer and have a thinner texture. They contain no water, so they won’t dry up or evaporate. Silicone lube can also use for massage. It does tend to be more expensive, but you’ll use a lot less of it, so it works out economically. Don’t use silicone lube with silicone toys – it’ll never come off. Keep in mind that silicone based lube is harder to clean up than water based lube. The upside of this is that you can use it in water! Hot tubs, swimming pools, bathtubs, whatever. Also, I have yet to discover a silicone based lube that contains parabens, so add another notch to your silicone “plus” column.

So we’ve discussed the three major types of personal lubricants, and now you know which is the right one for you. Right? Good. But then there’s all these other things to consider…. Consistency? Flavored? Stimulating? Why are there so many choices in life? Sometimes I yearn for the days of vanilla or chocolate, Coke or Pepsi, Sega or Nintendo.  Nevertheless, you will need to make choices about the features of the lube you choose, which can actually make your lubrication experience more fun.

Flavored lubricants. Well that’s pretty self-explanatory, right? They taste like stuff, presumably good stuff. But how do you know? There’s nothing like uncapping a fresh bottle of cherry lube and catching a whiff of sickly-sweet cough medicine. Do your research! Look for flavored lubricant reviews, like this one or that one. And if you think it’s all about choosing between fruity or non-fruity, forget it – not with bacon-flavored lube preparing to hit the shelves. Why are the internets so obsessed with bacon? Yeah, everyone thinks it tastes good, but so does… a bunch of other stuff. You know, universally. And I’ve never liked bacon. Too fatty.

Stimulating lubricants are designed to heighted sensation for both of you. What’s that mean? Tingling, warming, or desensitizing, stimulating gel increases blood flow to your very sensitive areas while tightening gel causes vaginal tissues to contract (temporarily). They go back to normal afterwards… really. For a whole thing on warming lubricants, go here. I already wrote that one. Use warming lubes with caution, and I still recommend an organic one – safe lubricants are just better! But wait – what did I say earlier about oil based lubricants? Solo male masturbation only, or massage? I guess it all depends on how much you really want to experience those added sensations. If you’re a woman who’s prone to vaginal infections, or if you plan to use specialty lubricants anally, do so at your own risk and clean yourself up thoroughly afterwards. Don’t get them near your sex toys, either! Always aim for a safe lube – if you try something that doesn’t agree with you, chalk it up to experience and move on to something else.

Consistency. Well that’s not too difficult – it’s either thick or thin. Thick lubricants stay on the surface of the skin longer, reduce friction and work great for anal penetration, making thick lubes more of a man thing. These are going to be your silicone and oil based lubricants. Thin lubes provide more sensation, are generally considered to be the best female lubricant, and are more likely to be water based.

A lot of couples trying to conceive have questions about using lubricants – and unless the guy’s sperm count is way low or your doctor has suggested that you not use lube for some other reason, it’s fine to use a mild lube when you’re goal is a pregnancy. Lubricants can be very beneficial to couples trying to conceive – they can help you have more sex! Obviously, make sure you’re not using spermicide lubricants – ‘cause that would be silly. Spermicide lube can be somewhat helpful if you’re trying not to get pregnant though. Water based options are the best pregnancy lube – that is, after you’ve successfully conceived. You can use lube throughout your pregnancy, but use the simplest, most natural water based lube you can find.

Lubricant reviews abound across the intertubes, but it can be difficult to find a bunch of reviews in one place that aren’t biased, i.e., sponsored by the company that makes them. This is a good place to get started with lube reviews. Once you know which one you want to try, do a search for reviews on that specific product. So what’s my favorite? Aw shucks, thanks for asking! It’s Sliquid Organics Natural Gel. Water based, organic, vegan, glycerin free and paraben free, not only do I feel 100% confident using it on my body, it feels great and works great. So now tell me… what’s your favorite lubricant and why do you love it?

Related posts:

1. Can I get a Safe Warming Lubricant Here?
2. Meet the Staff of Tickle: part 1 of a 1.5-part series
3. Get Your Responsibility On: Sex Toy Storage and Care

I’m writing this mainly so you don’t do what I did when I got my first vibrator. Here’s what happened.

My college roommate and I decided, probably in an altered state of mind, that we needed vibrators. I don’t know why.  So the next day we drove way out to the sex store in her Mustang – I mean we lived in a downtownish area in a small but hip city, and we had to go to some random place on a rundown stretch of highway in another town to find a vibrator.

Anyway, we get there and there’s this scary guy standing in front of a black curtain checking IDs. I know they have to do that, but did they have to make it so intimidating? We go in – this is my first time in a sex shop – and the place is a mess. Cluttered, gaudy, and just ugly. Cheap dominatrix gear all over the walls. So I’m nervous, but again I achieved altered state before I went in (come on y’all, it was college), and I’m doing ok. My roommate is examining the Rabbit vibrators, which she knows about and has used before, but they look scary and expensive to me. I just want something that resembles a real penis and not a modern art sculpture. No help from the sex shop proprietor, nor from her sullen partner lying in wait at the door looking at drivers licenses. Of course, I’m too freaked out to say “Hi, I would like a realistic penis vibrator, please.” My roommate buys a Rabbit and I buy this very normal-looking vibrator with a rubber penis sleeve that fits over top of it, though it never truly fit correctly.

Oh, and then here was the really fun part. The vibrator doesn’t come with batteries and since it was made in a foreign country, a note in the package tells me I need three LR6 batteries. WTF? So I go calling around to electronics stores asking if they carry LR6 batteries. Nobody knows what I’m talking about, and one guy says “what do you need this for, anyway?” “A…uh…. kids toy. Battery-powered kids toy… thing.” Someone finally tells me that an LR6 battery is AA. Freaking awesome!

If only we had internet in our apartment, all of this could have been avoided. We were trying to save money by not having TV and online access. Saving money fail. So here is your first step when buying a sex toy: don’t go to a weird dominatrix store 20 minutes away. Go online. Benefits: detailed descriptions of items, discreet purchasing and shipping, product reviews to read, phone and IM help from customer service reps, which is easier than face-to-face at first. Tickle plug! We don’t have “customer service reps;” we have an online concierge service to bring together you and your perfect sex toy.

Go ahead and browse around on various sex toy sites. Compare prices and read reviews. Get an idea of the kind of toy you want – Dildo? Vibrator? Clitoral stimulator? Cock ring? Anal probe? Strap-on? Geisha balls? Once you’ve figured that out, you’ll want to consider other important components like features, texture, material, safety and price. These are all things I didn’t know when I bought my first vibrator. I wish I would have known them. Once you decide on the right one, buy it from a reputable site – like not illegalchinesedildos.com (that site doesn’t really exist – yet).

Once your toy comes in the mail, make sure you know how to use it. If you have no clue, go to eHow or youtube and find an article or video with a vibrator demonstration.  A good one will clearly explain the functions and uses for your specific product and give you safety information and sex toy cleaning tips.

So please, share your knowledge with a clueless college student. It will make me and the universe happy.

Related posts:

1. You, Your Vibrator and the TSA: how to bring sex toys on an airplane
2. How to Use a Bullet Vibrator
3. How to Use a Vibrator on Your Wife