How to remove a ben wa ball

First, make sure to empty your bladder. When your bladder is full it makes removing ben wa balls difficult because your bladder pushes on your vaginal walls, making it a tighter fit. But be careful. Sometimes the ben wa ball will fall out during this process so make sure to catch it.

After completing that step, if your ben wa ball is still stuck, use your kegal, or vaginal, muscles to push the ball within finger’s reach. These are the same muscles you would push with if you were giving birth or having a bowl movement. At this point you should be able to insert one finger and feel the ben wa ball. Put a bit of water-base lubricant on your finger and depress the vaginal walls, as if you are creating an opening for the ball to come out. Paired with pushing, this method should work.
If your ben wa ball won’t come out after that, relax. Go about your daily duties and try back at a later time. There really is no downside to leaving in a ben wa ball. It will continue to excercise your kegal muscles and your body will naturally work it down after walking around for a while.

Getting ben wa balls out can be a little frustrating, which is why I recommend using a kegal ball such as the Ophoria K Balls No. 10. The two ben wa balls are connected and have a pull string to ensure worry-free removal.

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While on the hunt for a superb string of anal beads, the Lover’s Choice Ophoria Rapture No. 6 caught my attention.

I was initially drawn in by the uniquely crafted Japanese silicone and the tapered size of the beads (smaller bulbs at the tip and larger bulbs closer to the 2 finger handle). Also, the beads are more modestly sized, which is great for me since I consider myself a beginner when it comes to anal play and anal penetration.

While holding the string of anal beads, I notice that although it keeps its shape, the silicon makes this a set of very flexible anal beads, which is crucial when exploring intimate areas.

You want to make sure with this sextoy that you use water-based lubricants. I prefer to use Swede Aqua Comfort because it washes off easily and never feels sticky.

And now the part you’ve been waiting for: it feels amazing! I was a little apprehensive about anal beads before, but after playing with these, I will no longer squirm or bite my lip when my man asks for a little back door action.

They are perfect to loosen you up and get you used to the unique anal sex sensation, especially when combined with an anal relaxing spray, like Back Door Glide. Although, it shouldn’t be used with this particular anal sextoy.

Don’t forget to try vaginal penetration with the Ophoria No. 6 inserted! You and your man are sure to both love the pressure the beads create.

Cleaning is also made simple. You can wash it with warm, soapy water and let air dry, or just throw it in the dishwasher. And if your man is also feeling adventurous, let him try these out! After cleaning, this toy can be shared without fear of spreading germs.

I would definitely give this product five stars for durability, flexibility, and ease of use.

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1. How to Select and Use an Anal Vibrator
2. I have a Ben Wa Ball stuck. What should I do?

Pornography usually leaves a sour residue in my brain, unless I’m laughing at its hilarity. It’s not so much the naked strangers as it is the attitude and subject matter of most porn: humiliation and manipulation of women. It’s not a turn-on to watch fellow females get used, slapped around, and controlled by men, their fake boobs jiggling about with blank wide eyes set above them. But that’s because that kind of pornography, a genre that includes most of the porn on the market, isn’t targeted towards me, a woman.

The Web site www.forthegirls.com is giving erotica and porn a new look, one that, like its name suggests, actually appeals to girls. The site publishes diverse material like erotic fiction and articles, sexy centerfolds titled “The Hottest Men Get Naked” and even hardcore porn movies. You can choose your fantasy, from “group sex at a party” to “romance and passion,” get sex advice, and look at pictures and videos where “women come first.”

The FAQ page on the site explains “two women who passionately believe in what we do” run the site. With not even a glimpse of manjuice anywhere in the tour, I’m not surprised that women run it. They go on to write:

“We do our best to ensure the female point of view is given priority. Everything is geared towards female pleasure and female fantasy. In a practical sense it means we create our own content that reflects that female viewpoint, and it also means that we present existing photos, videos and movies according to what turns us on and what we feel our members would enjoy. We’re always looking for something different, something that depicts the spectrum of human sexuality in a positive way.”

Finally! Someone gets it!

None of the content on the site is derogatory, it’s sexy and delicate (if that’s what you want), dirty and raunchy or just plain steamy. There’s so much content on the site that it’s easy to look past the burly foreign man on the “sexy centerfolds,” click around a little bit and find what just what you’re looking for.

The guys are cute (well, most of them. Sorry, I’m picky!), the topics are fun, and the material is much more tasteful and arousing than any porn I’ve ever seen. While the $29.95 first-month fee and $24.50 per-month charge after that are a little steep, this site is promoting an idea that hasn’t really been explored before.

Thanks to this site, you don’t ever have to get excited while watching a sexy movie only to see that the leading dude is now choking the girl out in a strange turn of events, and she seems to like it. Yes, no more watching rape porn on accident.

Forthegirls.com offers erotica without the frills, porn without the offense, dudes without their clothes (and girls too, if you like a little lesbian action!). Add one of the toys from this trustworthy toy shop and you’re set. Don’t forget to thank me.

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An Oscar is the perfect compliment to any actress’ career, but if the Academy Award is for the “best actress” category, (awarded as “performance by an actress in a leading role”) it can, somehow, be the kink in the chain that holds that actress’ romance together.

It doesn’t make sense, and the number of men who can’t admit that their lovers might be better than them is ridiculous. But in Hollywood, love is war. Bring your guns.

This heartbreak trend is called the Oscar love curse, and it dates back to the day that Helen Hunt thanked her boyfriend Hank Azaria onstage in 1998. They were married and divorced within the year, causing heads to spin and a curse to take form.

The curse most recently manifested itself this year, when Sandra Bullock won the award for her 2009 performance in “The Blindside.” Though this should be the most proud year of her life, her picture is on the front page because her husband betrayed her with this hussy, not because she’s on top of Hollywood. She’s too good for him anyway, in my opinion, and no one deserves to have the rug swept out from under them like that. She didn’t even get a chance to bask in her own glory before checking into the Heartbreak Hotel!

Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow and Halle Berry are all victims of the curse, among others, having won the prestigious award only to find their love lives crumbling shortly after. What a bass-ackwards state of affairs. These gorgeous, supremely talented women should not have to sacrifice their love and personal needs to have a career in Hollywood, but some weak men can’t stand being less successful than their partners. Tsk, tsk.

If these women wanted to be stay-at-home moms, so be it. But they didn’t. They chose a life that showcased their talent, and along with it their scandal. They want (and deserve) love just like the rest of us, and maybe they just have to get out of the Valley to find it. I know plenty of suitable men who would loyally love a woman like Reese Witherspoon or Halle Berry until the day she dies.

Instead of winning an Oscar and losing the love these women merit, the love curse should be redefined as a myth. Nothing about advancing a talented actress’ career should curse her, and the tired men who are too daft to appreciate their wives’ gifts can keep the D-listers they seem to favor so much.

Leading ladies, dump the bastards. Take a little advice from Beyonce and put everything he owns in a “box to the left.” And try to avoid the triflin’ sadists who can’t appreciate your beauty and talent next time.

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1. Sweet, Sweet Sexy Green Love

The season when the shadows shorten, the days get longer and nature stirs is approaching: Spring. Our planet is increasing its tilt toward the sun as we speak, and the snow, frost and ice will soon lose the battle between the two warring seasons.

If you’re scratching your head, thinking “Spring?” and trying to remember the sweet smell of honeysuckle, fear not. March 20, the first day of spring this year, is just around the corner. As the flowers start to bloom and the grass turns green again, your body will reject winter’s slow death and start to wake up too, physiologically, sexually and mentally.

And then the fever hits. Spring fever has many symptoms: a yearning to go mad with love, restlessness, intense nervous excitement, haywire hormones. While spring fever isn’t a medical affliction, it is a real phenomenon that has been studied and proved by scientists.

It’s about time for things to warm up, and I can’t wait to catch the fever. If there’s still snow on the ground in your neighborhood, fret not. That just means you have more time to prepare for your body’s alarm clock to ring! Don’t worry, your hibernation time is almost over. Here’s five tips on how to make the most out of spring fever when it hits.

1. Shed any winter depression and embrace the fever.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is most closely linked with winter, the season when nature gets covered up and dies. It affects everyone to a certain degree, though there are those who are devastated by depression in the winter months. Those days are almost over, and a little sunshine thawing out your bones will naturally boost your mood. It’s scientifically proven. Just as you shed your despair, you should accept the desires that come with spring. Your biological clock, known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, gives you more energy as the days become longer. We have more energy, are more sexually engaged, and it’s only natural, so embrace it!

2. When enthralled with love, use caution. Better yet, use protection.

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote “In spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.” This is obviously a classic case of spring fever. In a biology book titled Mammalian Sexual Biology by Frank Bronson, mammals were observed following a seasonal mating pattern. You and I are just as much mammal as the next anthropoid. Spring is prime mating season in the animal world, and our bodies are included in that realm. It’s only natural for our loins to rouse at the sight of a handsome young dude, but we must be smarter than our animal brethren and be safe in our feverish exploits, not become boy-crazy fiends. I’ll spell it out. Use a condom.

3. Revamp last year’s warm-weather wardrobe.

It’s time to take your short-shorts and sandals out of the boxes in the attic. Even though it may hurt to look at all the cute stuff you won’t be able to wear for another month or so, it’s important to be prepared! Start with the basics: swimsuits, shorts, tank tops, t-shirts. Go crazy with sexy underwear, because you never know who will see them. Spring collections are just starting to hit the racks, but if you’re more gifted in the style department than in the wallet, think of ways to spice up the clothes you already have. Add a stud belt around last year’s dress, or a sun hat from the thrift store to your tube-top-and-shorts ensemble. It’s all about looking and feeling good when you have spring fever, so indulge yourself.

4. Maintain your body.

Get out the razor and shave those winter legs. Tame the parts of your body that haven’t seen daylight since last summer, since they’re about to beg to be shown. I’m self-medicating the fever by buying a new razor and a “ready betty” kit by Betty Beauty, and by stocking up on my nail polish colors. For those of you eager to develop a “base tan,” break out the self tanner, but please, be careful not to overdo it and color yourself orange. Even I, a deliberately pale chick, can understand the desire to look like a golden goddess for spring, but you don’t want to start off the season looking like Ernie from Sesame Street, do you? No, you do not.

5. Make a season-related promise to yourself.

It could be that you’ll talk to the guy you’ve been crushing on before spring ends (no brainer, just do it. The fever may catch on!), or that you’ll go swimming at least 5 times in your new swimsuit before June (yes, hot tubs count.) For those who catch the fever and can’t commit to anything, simply make a vow to enjoy the season when everything wakes up, the fruit is sweeter and it’s ripe for the picking.

The sexual, youthful, insatiable parts of us are starting to reawaken with a hunger for life and sunshine in some parts of the country. In others, two months time and thoughts of Shia Labeouf and the like will be making you purr. Maybe that one’s just me.

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I was feeling like I needed a good punishing today, so I took a Cosmo quiz online – the most offensive-sounding one I could find. “What Kind of Female Are You” was the title. First of all, it should be “woman,” not “female.” Referring to a woman as a “female” conjures images of rap videos where lusty girls dance around an aloof guy and get various body parts slapped. But the fact that I still have some faith in humanity made me hope that the “kinds” would fall into categories like “artistic,” “businesswoman,” “nurturer” and “wild child.”

I was beyond wrong. Apparently, I am “girlfriend material” – I like to troll the bars for guys (sorry, how does that make me girlfriend material?), don’t care about my career, and really just want to settle down with a nice man and have his babies and never think critically again. I’m “traditional to the core” and I spend all day chatting online.

Oh, where to begin. I did settle down with a nice man and have his baby, I’ll give them that. I suppose Cosmo assumes that married women anyone over 18 wouldn’t bother taking their quizzes, which is probably true. Not only do I work here writing all this crazy stuff, I go to graduate school full time, operate a small online business and volunteer at my kid’s school. However responsible this may all seem, I enjoy blowing copious amounts of money on books, travel, epic concerts, good beer, fine dining and handmade jewelry.

After re-taking the quiz a few times and inputting the formulaic answers, I found the second kind of female, the “go-for-it girl.” This female was raised to believe she can do anything she wants. She is empowered, exciting, in control of her life and her career. She might marry and have kids, but she doesn’t need to. Her life rocks. Unfortunately, to get this result I had to identify myself as a future CEO who doesn’t date very much or place a high value on family. On another retake, I got the same result when identifying myself as madly interested in sexuality and dating.

The third kind of female is the “restless explorer.” Flighty and indecisive, she can’t pick a job, a man, or even a pair of shoes. She constantly needs a new experience but is “overwhelmed by all the choices available.” She just can’t win, can she? Poor thing. Typical female – they can’t ever make up their minds, can they.

The fourth female was at first a great mystery (each question had four possible answers – I thought there would be four ultimate results). I selected all the answers that I thought would produce a result like “party girl:” I go out to bars all the time, I get up on tables and dance, I have one night stands, etc. The result? “go-for-it-girl.” Then I responded with what might result in “lazy girl,” or something to that effect: I don’t care about my job, I want to stay home and pop out babies, etc. I got “girlfriend material” again. At this point I gave up and decided there are really only three kinds of females: stay-at-home moms, empowered women, and those that can’t make up their mind.

Probably, I’m taking this all way too seriously. “It’s a silly Cosmo quiz,” you might say. “They’re just for fun and they don’t mean anything. They get people wrong all the time.”

It’s true on one level. On another, Cosmo is attempting to unravel the women’s rights movement and negate all the gains we’ve made since we got the right to vote in 1920 (Why don’t I tell you how I really feel?). Their quizzes create a need for girls and women to label themselves, to continually define who they are based on someone else’s criteria, which usually involves strong opinions about what women should and shouldn’t do. I refuse to believe that women actually compose these quizzes and about half of the content in Cosmo. Or at least, women with a vague understanding of third wave feminism, or even postmodern feminism. While the Wikipedia reference to the latter is severely lacking, this nugget of insight stands out: “[Sex is not] something completely determinate and definable. Rather, sex is part of a system of meaning, produced by language.” Hear that, Cosmo? Your attempts to define women as this type of sexual being or that are invalid. You undermine the entire “system of meaning” with arbitrary and desultory language. You make us try to feel like we must belong to a group, to as many groups as possible, so that we will feel fully defined and determined. Labeling one’s self with someone else’s labels is, apparently, a woman’s key to winning at life.

But, Cosmo’s just a business with the simple goal of selling magazines. Women like to take quizzes. Quizzes sell magazines. On the surface, everybody gets what they want. I take a Facebook quiz every now and then. There’s something inherently pleasurable in finding out whether you might be Armenian or, one of my favorites: “Which crazy bitch are you?” I’m Sylvia Plath.

The fact that there’s no way I could be Armenian, and that I might possibly identify with Sylvia Plath – I already know. It’s stupid and time-consuming to take quizzes that tell you what you already know. But I will argue that it’s much more sinister to take quizzes that tell you, with an air of definitiveness, exactly what you are, whether you knew it or not. I imagine the young, hapless girl who takes the Female quiz and discovers that she’s girlfriend material. “Yay!” she thinks. “I knew there was a reason why I have no ambition to succeed at anything other than the traditional gender role prescribed to me. I am validated!” Please understand, I fully support stay-at-home-moms. I’ve been one myself. Their devotion to their families is a beautiful thing in an age where many parents see their children less often than their teachers, nannies and gymnastic instructors do. Workaholic parents represent a bigger societal problem than Cosmo, I think.

Cosmo mostly just plays to women’s perceptions that men live in a heightened state of emotional awareness, one that rivals the one that Cosmo readers inhabit. See “Why Men Forget Valentine’s Day,” for example. It’s not because “mens’ emotions are reactionary,” I can tell you that much. Men have selective memories, especially when it comes to mushy stuff. There. I just re-wrote that article in one sentence. Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. But I don’t think he meant we should examine ourselves into neat little boxes, over and over again, until we cease to have an inner sense of who we are. “Girlfriend material,” “go-for-it girl,” “restless explorer:” Women are much more than the sum of these stereotypes. Every woman has the potential to be all three of these things, among a myriad of others, simultaneously and harmoniously.

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A town of around 13,000 that claims an 81% rate of Christianity, the London suburb of Upminster has been dubbed “England’s Sexiest Place” by Lovehoney UK. Since Upminsterites spend an average of almost eight times as much as other Brits on sex-related products, are all the heathens just wildly hedonistic – or are regular people realizing that sex is healthy, interesting and worthy of further exploration?

The borough of Havering hosts Upminster and has brought us Imogene Heap, the band Underworld, Cliff Williams from AC/DC and some footballers I’ve never heard of. A list of the most-read blogs in Upminster tells us that local denizens enjoy football and television. They also have windmills (or maybe just one heavily photographed windmill) and a lovely farmers’ market on the first Thursday of every month.

Sounds pretty average. Except for the fact that they spend more than 16 times the national average on porn, over 13 times more on couples’ sex toys and almost 10 times more on bondage gear. What is going on in Upminster? I did find one image that seemed apropos for the subject (image may or may not have been actually taken in Upminster). The artist’s somewhat heavy-handed message that “commuters are dicks” tells me there’s a sad, suburban, button-up culture there, one in need of some release. At least they have a train – most of us are driving SUVs around in circles and complaining about gas prices while we text. However, I suspect Photoshop was somehow involved in the creation of this picture, so I doubt the artist even owns one neon-colored dildo.

I’ve got some theories. For example, my research indicates that Upminster does not have a brick-and-mortar sex shop. Therefore, it might be easier to order sex toys online than to take the train to London and grope around for a scandalous shop. If fact, the citizens of Upminster might be worried about being seen in a London sex shop, so they flock to the internet for their sexual needs, which brings us to Lovehoney. The distinction of “U.K.’s Sexiest Place” is based on their sales figures. Does Upminster have a connection to Lovehoney? Maybe a bunch of people from Upminster work at Lovehoney, and they’ve convinced all their friends to buy from that company? Maybe friends and family discounts are involved?

If the U.S. had a similarly-dubbed town, I think it would be Mobile, Alabama, or Virginia Beach. How did I come to that conclusion? Both are decent cities situated on the coast in states where it’s illegal to sell sex toys. People on the coast tend to be, you know, relaxed, maybe more open to their sexuality. And they can’t go to a (legal) brick and mortar store to purchase sex toys without crossing state lines. Interestingly, Tickle has a pretty large customer base in Texas, where sex toy stores only recently became legal. At first glance this seemed entirely counterintuitive, but some Tickle office talk generated an explanation: Now readily available, Texans are just going crazy for sex toys. And who wouldn’t?

Probably not Provo, Utah, you might think. When I searched for “Provo, Utah sex toys,” Google suggested I might be looking for a Provo cotton shop. Curious what that was, I clicked, only to discover that apparently, quilting is popular in Provo. Why was I even looking in the heart of Mormonism for hedonism? Because Tickle also has a large customer base in Provo, Utah. Local law enforcement seems really worried about sex toys in Spencer’s, and while there are some Christian sex toy outlets nearby, it looks like slim pickings in Provo proper. So really, sex toy-buying in red-state America is a task best performed online. Provo joins Mobile, Virginia Beach and the entire state of Texas as a contender for the Sexiest Place in America.

However, the argument should be made that it’s really not very sexy to hide your sexuality behind your computer. It’s an interesting project that Lovehoney’s undertaken, one that has generated a lot of buzz in the UK. And what’s the least sexiest place? The map says it’s poor little Caledon, Northern Ireland, which is a historic plantation with actual Druids and a population of 389. It’s also in the same locality as the #3 spender – I kid you not – Bangor, North Wales. Maps are fun.

IS Upminster actually sexy? Or Bangor, Texas and Utah? Actually, no. But I do applaud them for their willingness to try new things. Suburbia is stranger than fiction, I say.

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1. Matters of the Heart: The Sexiest Symbol of All

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, we must sometimes check our faces as we walk into grocery and department stores to make sure we didn’t leave home in our rose-colored glasses. Bundles of pink and red treasures line the shelves for shoppers looking to please their partners, providing countless opportunities for love-struck souls to reach out to that special someone. However, there is one symbol that for centuries has had our insides glowing, our cheeks burning and our loins tingling: the heart.

Anyone who has every slept through a high school science class knows that the human heart pumping blood through our veins looks nothing like the two mounds conjoined at a point – the shape synonymous in our time with love. So why is it that our own blood starts racing a little faster each time we see this stylized symbol? There is no certain answer, but the origins may lie in sexual evolution and ancient history.

One explanation is drawn from the writings of Pliny the Elder in his Natural History, written around 77 A.D. In it, he makes reference to the silphium concoction, also known as the laser, which is extracted from a fern like plant which had heart-shaped seeds. The plant was so revered in ancient times that these seeds were depicted on Minoan coins. Why might a seed be held in such high regard? Aside from being a tasty spice, silphium had a range of medicinal applications, not the least of which was contraception. When used in conjunction with a wool pessary or mixed into wine, Pliny tells us, silphium promoted menstruation. Listen closely and you will hear the sound of thousands of women running to the pharmacist to ask for birth control wine. Unfortunately for us, the silphium plant was so popular that it was eventually farmed out of existence. Nevertheless, the unmistakable shape of its seed, which in its time was synonymous with sex and passion, has survived to modernity.

But let’s not forget that biology and evolution have their stake in everything, and the heart symbol is no exception. Unlike the silphium plant, this possible origin of the heart symbol is still quite prevalent in society today. It is frequently suggested that the shape of a heart resembles a woman’s backside, the most essential, primal sexual image. Other female parts undeniably take the shape of the symbol as well, including the vulva and the breasts. Cleavage, anyone?

The heart symbol is accepted worldwide as a symbol of love. For those of us more historically inclined, there is tangible evidence of the heart shape occurring in silphium far back into prehistory. Those more apt to credit nature, or who just enjoy lady lumps, are satisfied in seeing the Valentine’s Day mascot in the sensual shapes of a female. Whatever the case, there is no denying, especially this time of year, that the heart symbol is rooted deep in our cultural consciousness.

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My sister got me books for Christmas. While the gift of a book can go either way (ONGZ best book evah!!!) or (you must hate me if you thought I’d enjoy this), she done good, I tell you what. The 2009 Pulitzer Prize winner was under the tree (I didn’t get to it until the evening due to a massive Christmas Eve fail – yes, it will forever be the year that Mommy was too hungover to open presents). Anyway, that book was Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout, who randomly happens to be on the faculty of the graduate school I’m trying to get into next year (insert obligatory sucking-up here).

The story itself reminds me very much of Russell Banks’ Trailerpark, another collection of interwoven stories in a small, stark New England town. Quick synopsis: Olive Kitteridge is a bitch who runs off most people around her, though some people oddly like her. At some point right around menopause, she tells her husband that she’s not interested in sex anymore, and that’s that. He never had sex again because he subsequently fell victim to a stroke and died in a nursing home – but they spent many years in a sexless relationship where he didn’t cheat and she didn’t give it up.

This poses a few ethical questions, as you might imagine. What would you do if you were 60 and your monogamous forever partner told you that sex was no longer on the menu? When the spark went, should Olive’s doting husband have left the relationship? Should he have cheated? Or maybe just pushed her really hard to change her mind? No! He should have got some sex toys. But sexual repression is a powerful thing, especially once one reaches their golden years. My grandparents, God rest their souls, slept in separate rooms and didn’t seem to like each other very much, but goddamnit if they would get a divorce or buy a vibrator. Both probably seemed equally wrong to them. The lovely aag blogged about this same horrible menopause phenomenon -what to do, what to do?

Most people don’t want to think about nursing home sex, but we all totally should. I think volunteers should bring sex toys to nursing homes, demonstrate and distribute them. Or at least direct them to the Vermont Country Store, though I would take personal offence to something called the Impo-Aid Ring Kit. Impo my ass, I just want to improve my performance! The Color Down Under looks interesting though – I never thought about the need to dye my gray pubic hair. I digress. Though maybe I’m showing my age-biased ignorance here. Maybe older folks, whom the vibrator predates, know more about sex toys than I do.

I may have superior ninja skills, but my reporter skills are sadly lacking. That’s why I’m blogging instead of reporting, because I fail at journalism. The thought of conducting an interview makes me want to pop Klonopin, which is exactly what I did before the last interview I was forced to instigate, with a librarian no less. So I let The Medical Humanities Report and Slate do the reporting for me, and I report on that.

It breaks my heart to hear about these poor souls Dorothy and Bob. Star-crossed octogenarians with dementia is the stuff of Shakespeare. Yet the forces that be conspired to keep them apart, like the son who shouted “She had her mouth on my Dad’s penis! And it’s not even clean!”, effectively ruining their relationship and separating them forever. (Which wasn’t clean, the penis or the mouth?) Man, if I ever meet that “devoted son” he’s getting a kick to the teeth (see ninja skills previously referenced). His 95 year-old dad was healthy enough to have sex! And he cockblocked him! While Miss Olive Bitterage swore off sex decades earlier, Dorothy and Bob were happy in the sunset of their years. Until the nursing home staff were instructed to babysit them like horny teenagers until Bob was sent away.

How many of us will be as lucky as Bob and Dorothy to find sexual gratification in our old age, and how many will be unlucky enough to have it taken away by people who get creeped out by old people sex? And how many of us will wither away like Olive, letting go of sex and never looking back?

Only – Olive did look back. In the very last scene of the book, she gets in bed with another guy. She thought her lust was gone, though in fact she somehow misplaced it for decades. Get a damn vibrator, Olive! Dress up like a stripper and smear chocolate on your husband’s body, before it’s too late! Don’t wait until he’s dead and then screw another guy. What would your mother think?

Though the season of giving thanks has passed (funny we have a season for that), I am truly thankful for sex toys. Now, in my sexual peak, and then, when I’m too old to remember my lover’s name. God forbid I end up like Olive (though she sexually redeems herself in the end, she screws her husband out of sex forever), and God help me if I end up like Dorothy. Sex toys for the elderly, all the way. I feel a new volunteer project coming on.

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“Honey? Where’s the kids tonight?” says guy.

“Oh, they’re out at a sleepover.” says wife.

“What about your parents?” says guy.

“Don’t you remember? They went to Atlantic City this weekend.” says wife.

“And the guy on the couch?” says guy.

“He went to his mom’s house.” says wife.

Simultaneous: “OMG WE’RE ALONE!”

Does this ever happen to you? Probably not very much. It never happens to me. But honestly, when you and your mate get a whole night alone together, trying to figure out what to do could be a daunting task. So daunting, perhaps, that you both feel overwhelmed at the prospect and opt for dinner at the Olive Garden and the new Twilight movie. What a great evening? “Good night honey.” Zzzzzzz….

Let’s back up. If guy and wife had remembered that kids, parents and couch dude were all going to be gone at the same time, they could have prepared for an amazing, spectacular, fantabulous romantic night. So first of all, somebody, either one or both of you, needs to orchestrate this evening. You could surprise your partner by getting everyone out of the house and getting your romance on.

The best romantic night starts with dinner. Something light; you don’t want to be sluggish, do you? And you’ll need to save room for dessert. An avocado salad with honey fig dressing, a little bit of angel hair pasta with garlic and basil, Oysters Rockefeller and a glass of champagne. This means you’ll have to make a special shopping trip. Planning is a beautiful thing. All of those foodstuffs are said to be aphrodisiacs. Nice start!

Now that you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, it’s time for a little artwork – chocolate artwork. Take turns painting each others’ bodies with chocolate body paint, then have fun licking it off. Sexy and tasty!

But now you’re all messy. What to do? Since you’re such a good planner, you’ve already cleaned the bathtub, bought some warming body scrub and placed scented candles strategically around the tub. Get dirty, then get clean – but don’t be afraid to get dirty again.

Move it on into the bedroom now. Of course you’ve read my romantic bedroom guide, so the bedroom is ready to go. What, you haven’t read it? Go read it now so I don’t have to repeat myself about the romantic luxury therein.

You’ve eaten sexy, painted sexy, bathed sexy and now you’re in that sexy bedroom. This is where I leave you, intrepid bedroom adventurer, because I’m pretty sure that once you reach this point you won’t need any advice from me.

But wait! Don’t feel left out if you don’t have a lover. You can do many of these things solo for an intimate night with yourself. Skip the fancy dinner and the body paint – have champagne and artisan chocolates instead. Take a luxurious bath and then head to your clean bedroom. Light some candles, play some music that turns you on, and hang out with your best friend, Mr. Vibrator. This could even prove more enjoyable than a romantic interlude with a partner – Mr. Vibrator won’t snore all night or expect you to make him steak and eggs in the morning.

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1. Spring Fever in the Morning; Fever All Through the Night
2. Elegant Bedroom Romance Ideas
3. Sex Games – Beyond Dice