I’m narcissistic, as all great creative non-fiction writers are. Too bad I’m not one of them. David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs and Mary Karr (Jesus, Mary – get a webpage!) are some of my heroes, mainly because they possess that beautiful narcissism that allows them to write funny and painful stuff about their own lives, sell lots of copies, and know that people want to read about their shopping exploits, odd jobs and electro-shock therapy. I’ve met David and Mary – he drew a picture of my tattooed forearm, she curses like a sailor but does give a good workshop (Augusten, I’m still waiting for dinner party invitation).
I saw David Sedaris speak in Greensboro about a month ago and he told this story about going to Costco with his brother-in-law and buying bulk condoms and strawberries. As hard as I was laughing, that sting of jealousy crept in. “Why isn’t that me on stage at the Coliseum reading to an audience who are laughing their asses off?” Meh, my work ethic is questionable at best. Rejection letters are painful, and I really like to get paid for doing work.
I found my job on Craigslist. I was looking for a job, but I was looking equally hard for hilarious or sad job ads to post on my Facebook page. I found one in search of a Mexican midget to walk around at a party wearing a sombrero filled with chips and salsa. Both hilarious and sad, this did provide good Facebook fodder, but I wasn’t sure how I could put that on my resume.
So I kept looking, and eventually came across an ad for a “rockstar writer.” That’s me!, I thought. He promised both a refrigerator full of Vitamin Water and a Monday-Thursday pajama policy. Neither of these really turned out to be true, but whatever. It’s more like juice boxes and jeans. But the ad came with a warning: if I was to submit a boring application, he would sell my e-mail address, although I can’t remember to who – let’s say wolves.
I sent him my resume, which was boring, but I sent a note too. I told him that if he didn’t like my tattoos he could suck it, and that I would really not be able to work in an environment that doesn’t allow pajamas every day. Had I mentioned my valve and the degeneration of American society, I could have been Ignatius Reilly. Anyway, we got together, established that I was not an intern; I signed some paperwork and started writing (after I recovered from swine flu).
So that’s how I got here. And here’s who I am. A left-handed Delawarean vegetarian, I competed on the junior roller skating circuit in the 80s, only to get bored with never winning gold. So I started writing, which I further pursued in Asheville collegiately, ending up with perhaps the most worthless bachelors degree in human history a difficult-to-market BA. I began prepping myself for a career in the publishing industry, only to find myself pregnant in my last semester. My boyfriend of one month moved in with me. We had our baby, got around to getting married, and have now been together five years and have a beautiful… five year-old. I started graduate school this year, and forget “wearing different hats” – I change my skin many times a day. I’m supermom when I drop my daughter off at school, a cheeky monkey writing crazy things at work, then back to supermom for pickup, after which I make my transition into serious grad student. Sometimes I even manage to pull off wife, daughter and friend too.
I like vintage clothes, kill every plant I touch, have a phobia of grocery stores, enjoy getting shout-outs on college radio, and my favorite city in the world is Prague. There’s more than you ever wanted to know about Kristine Empire – supreme narcissist that I am, just be lucky I didn’t try to make you read my half-finished memoir. Here’s to Costco, rockstars, roller skating and great sex!
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About the Author
Kristine Empire is a narcissistic freelance writer in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She likes vintage clothes, kills every plant she touches, has a phobia of grocery stores, enjoys getting shout-outs on college radio, and her favorite city in the world is Prague.
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November 16th, 2009 → 2:22 pm @ KristineEmpire
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