The KGB, Vampires, War… Just Another Day at the Winter Olympics

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We thought no ice skating drama could ever, ever top the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding story. Ever. Since any other instance of ice skating drama is now seemingly unfit for media attention, I’ve been a little disappointed. Until I saw this piece aired by NBC about Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko. I’m absolutely stunned. I had no idea that Plushenko was working for the KGB, and I’m shocked that Russia allowed NBC to leak this information. His cover’s blown now, and I think the U.S. and Russia could be in for some serious trouble. Did you hear the menacing music? Did you see the black and white portrait of Plushenko leaning out a window, looking like the Crow? Plushenko driving past the Kremlin and saying, “My enemies – they worry about me a little bit, because I’m back. And they afraid a little bit. It’s great feelings, you know?”And didn’t you see how dangerously he’s driving, with his hands off the wheel and other cars honking at him?

Evgeni Plushenko

Then, as if all of this weren’t sinister enough, Plushenko says “A couple years, I live normal. But after two years, I feel like I need something.” So he’s not only a KGB agent, he’s a vampire too. That’s exactly what happened to Louis in “Interview with the Vampire.” Doesn’t Lestat even look like Plushenko, but with puffier hair, less mullety? And both the Crow and Louis’s stories are about revenge. Clearly, not only is he a murderous KGB agent, he’s also some sort of inhuman being, a person who has lost his soul and been doomed to walk the fiery earth until things are made right. And by “made right,” I mean, “by taking down Evan Lysacek in the free skate tonight and drinking his blood before setting him on fire in the name of communism.”

Lysacek is not blind though. In an interview last night (which I assume was not conducted with a vampire), he said, “[Plushenko] has power mentally because he has what we all want. I think it’s going to take some mighty fine skating to get that power away from him.”

Mighty fine skating, indeed. Lysacek understands the gravity of tonight’s matchup, perhaps more than any of us do. If he fails to bring home the Olympic gold medal in men’s figure skating, the power of Plushenko will be unleashed on the world, with the U.S. his primary target. If you thought living through the Cold War was hard, God help us if we have to struggle for survival against minions of KGB vampires roaming the earth, forcing us to wear glittery spandex suits with ruffles.

Evan Lysacek

It seems impossible that Plushenko could idolize anyone more than himself. But he does, and it’s Dick Button, two-time Olympic men’s figure skating champion. I think Dick Button’s real problem with achieving world domination through figure skating, though he won two Olympic gold medals, was his name. Dick Button. It doesn’t inspire awe, or even fear. Not like Evgeni Plushenko.

ABC’s David Muir analyzed the crowd reaction to Lysacek’s near-flawless performance last night: “The crowd in the arena erupted, and the Cold War began brewing again on the ice in Vancouver. The Russian and American teams each have an arsenal of unparalleled strength.” So even if you question the validity of the NBC video, or Lysacek’s ruminations on Plushenko’s power, the truth in this ABC reporter’s statement couldn’t be any more full of truthiness if he tried. If you need further proof of the gravity of this situation, take a look at the fight Plushenko got into with Lysacek’s mother over the quad: “[Yesterday], Plushenko raised the stakes. He said the quad should be a requirement to win the gold. To that, Lysacek’s mother had some ready words. ‘Anyone who can only do the quad and not excel at everything else ought not win the gold,’ Tanya Lysacek told ABC News today, with a grin. The Cold War is heating up again.” Plushenko knows it. Lysacek knows it. Lysacek’s mom knows it. The major news outlets know it. I’m concerned that nobody else is taking this seriously. And why is his mom’s name “Tanya?” This is all getting a bit out of control.

There’s another dangerous aspect of this year’s men’s figure skating competition, and it’s Japan’s Daisuke Takahashi. Entering tonight’s long program in third place behind Plushenko and Lysacek, Takahashi could pull off the overthrow and win gold with an absolutely stellar performance. Or a “mighty fine” one. I guess nobody wants to throw in a WWII reference here. Too soon? Or maybe no one is taking Takahashi as seriously as they should. Do you remember the name of the skater who took gold over Nancy Kerrigan’s silver in the 1994 Lillehammer Olympics? I think not, but she roundly put those crazy Americans in their places. At least we know what we’re getting with Plushenko, with the vampires and KGB and all that. I know you’re used to doing the watching, Plushenko. But now it is you who is being watched. How does it feel to have the tables turned, my friend?

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Kristine Empire is a narcissistic freelance writer in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She likes vintage clothes, kills every plant she touches, has a phobia of grocery stores, enjoys getting shout-outs on college radio, and her favorite city in the world is Prague.

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