My neighbors don’t know me. They don’t know my name, where I work, or even a phone number to call if something unfortunate happens. My home is my personal sanctuary where I can walk around naked, sing silly songs to my couch-potato bulldog and watch cheesy ‘90s movies without being judged by the middle-aged families around me. It’s the only place where I can really be myself, in my place, and I value my isolation. I assume that my fellow ‘hood inhabitants feel the same.
The less I know about my neighbors, the better, especially since I usually like to pretend that they don’t exist. I’m not an unfriendly person by any means, and if the next doors need my neighborly help or advice, I’m happy to lend a hand, but there’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed. There are some things that you just don’t need to know, and living 50 feet away from someone can expose some naughty disasters and embarrassing slip-ups.
“Like what?” you may ask, thinking that you and your neighbors have always had a pleasant relationship. I’ll tell you what, and your neighborhood affairs might not be so genial in the wake of these five things you don’t want to know.
1. You don’t want to know if your neighbor is a sex offender.
The Web site www.familywatchdog.us shows a list of sex offenders in your area, complete with their picture and crime. There are 11 offenders in a 10-block radius of my house, some who committed sexual battery on a child under the age of 12. I’m disgusted to recognize a picture of an older man from my neighborhood on that site. While I understand the need for something like this, especially for families with children in a high-risk area, this is a need-to-know sort of thing. I definitely don’t need to know, but now that I do know, I feel like I’m in Disturbia when I peep out of my blinds. Learn from my mistakes; steer clear!
2. You don’t want to know what your neighbor knows about you.
Whether the nosy neighbor is a peeping tom or a critic, your home is your private space and it should stay that way unless you invite a neighbor into your home/personal life. Here’s a hint: if someone calls you by name and tells you how to improve your living room’s feng shui without ever having been in your home, stop leaving the curtains open and take a good hard look at other neighborhoods, because it’s time to move.
3. You don’t want to know about your neighbor’s domestic problems.
Living in close quarters with someone doesn’t leave much to the imagination. You know when your next-door neighbor’s daughter comes home from school. You know when the middle-aged man across the street gets off from work, but sometimes you notice issues that no one else would witness, issues that cause a moral dilemma. When you spot some eye candy coming over to your neighbor’s house right after the husband goes to work, and then observe that he leaves about 30 minutes before hubby comes home, the lady of the house probably has some insidious affair going on. If you’re not close to either of them, you’re now awkwardly stuck between keeping the secret (which could just be speculation) or revealing her naughty acts. Instead of making these connections in your head, appreciate the fact that it’s their life and not yours. There’s no place to get away from neighborhood drama, so avoid getting involved in it.
4. You don’t want to know how freaky the neighbors get.
In Trey Songz song, “Neighbors Know My Name,” he sings “I bet the neighbors know my name, the way you’re screaming, scratching, yelling,” referring to his loud sexual escapades. A person’s sex life is probably the most private aspect of their life, and while I know that the “screaming, scratching, yelling” is all part of the fun for some, it’s really something that should stay in the bedroom, not leak through the walls and into someone else’s home. When you notice that the neighbors have a weekly sex routine, shut it down. Or get some earplugs.
5. You don’t want to know your neighbor’s political or religious bias.
Flags and political signs can tell you more about your neighbor than you want to know. If a sign appears in their front yard, they obviously want the block to know how they feel on certain issues. But this can get nasty, especially if your ideals conflict. My strategy is to ignore the “Obama sucks” signs and the Confederate flags, but overtly offensive (ex. “Gays go to hell,” “Learn English or go home,”) posts have no place in the front yard. These distasteful signs are almost impossible to ignore, but it’s not worth picking a fight. Keep in mind, a little anonymous sign destroying never hurt anyone.
While you may depend on your neighbors in disaster situations, they are normally a group of people you would never associate with otherwise. Sure, they’re nice people, for the most part, but some are less-than-perfect to live around. If you notice any of your neighbors exhibiting these traits, book it to the property manager’s office and save your sanity.
