My own pregnancy was the worst nine months of my life. Here are the things I enjoyed about it: sometimes getting the pregnant lady parking spot at the grocery store, being on Medicaid and cutting to the front of the bathroom line at concerts. Here are a few of the things I did not enjoy: feeling like a beached whale, dry-heaving at inopportune moments, co-workers giving me dirty looks because I couldn’t mop the floor without back spasms, back spasms, food co-op hippies chastising me for not planning a “natural childbirth” (sorry, when did childbirth become “unnatural?”), peeing myself when walking, random people coming up to me and rubbing my belly, crying at TV commercials and developing Carpel-Tunnel syndrome.
After I gave birth I did not enjoy La Leche League Godzillas berating me because I sucked at breastfeeding, or rather, because my baby did not suck when breastfeeding. Turns out I have flat nipples. Also, I really wish someone would have told me that it was not okay to eat freely during pregnancy, especially concerning muffins, cookies and cinnamon buns, or that working in a bakery might not have been such a good idea. Five years later, those baked goods are still with me, the breast pump sucked all the life out of my breasts and stretch marks cover my trunk like a roadmap to hell.
As every mom knows, when you look at your child you know it was all worth it. Even those moms with much worse problems than mine – like gestational diabetes or months of mandatory bedrest. My hats off to you, mommies, who have been through pregnancy and have opted to do it again. My kid is basically perfect (ha! Whose isn’t?), and I don’t want to take the chance of birthing a less lovable child. Here are some other reasons I won’t be having a second child:
- Population control. Someone has to compensate for these folks.
- Only pay for one college education. That means more money for you to party in Rio after she moves out.
- A very imaginative child. Without siblings to mess with her, she’ll create interesting characters with which to interact and learn to entertain herself. Mine has Jaydee and Little Fella. They are not imaginary – they are invisible. Little Fella is about one inch tall and Jaydee is much like my daughter, except sometimes her mom doesn’t feed her.
- All the expensive things in your life can be smaller – your house and car, for example. There’s no need to move to the ‘burbs and buy a minivan.
- All the rest of the reasons pertain primarily to you, i.e., what multi-child advocates would call “selfish reasons,” so I’ll leave them up to you. I guess the whole “party in Rio” thing could be construed as selfish. But I’d rather do that than take out retirement loans which I will not pay off before I die, which my children will then have to pay. Rio or poverty that I pass on to my kids? Hmmm….
There’s so much blame directed at parents who consciously decide to have only one child. People are all like, “but she’s lonely! She needs someone to play with!” Dude. That’s why she has friends. Of all the reasons there are to have another child, “I’m creating a friend for her” should not be one. Your child can’t dictate what you do with your time, money and body. I can imagine it now:
“Mommy, I want a little sister.”
“Oh, ok. We’ll work on that.”
Three months later: “I changed my mind. I don’t want a little sister.”
“Well, crap…”
I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this. “You’re a selfish woman completely lacking in maternal instincts and unable to endure one lousy pregnancy. And you think you’re qualified to give parenting advice?” And I’ll sigh and say, “No, I’m not. But I only wrote this – you’re the one who went and read it.” Please, do whatever you want with your own family. Just don’t tell me what to do with mine.
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2 comments
Megan says:
Nov 21, 2009
couldn’t agree more
Melissa says:
Jan 12, 2010
As a mother of a only child, I can relate to your writing!