There’s something universally naughty and interesting about sex in public. Remember when Marge and Homer went back to the mini golf windmill where they first got it on? They found out that public sex was the best thing to happen to their marriage.
Sex in public takes me back to good times in parked cars, state parks and underneath a wooden stage, because it was wrong, it was bad, you shouldn’t do it and even if you should, you have no place to do it because you live with your parents. Yarrrgghhhh! If someone’s parents went out of town and you got a bedroom to yourself, it was magic.
Now you’re the parents, and your bedroom, even your entire house, gets boring. “Honey, have you seen my black socks?” “I don’t know dear, did you check the dryer?” And so on and so forth; after so many mundane conversations held in the place with the giant bed of love, the giant bed of love ceases to represent sex and only represents sleeping, reading and snuggling with non-threatening animals. So what does that mean for solo bedroom play? Even that gets boring. No hiding sex toys (except maybe from kids, and that’s not exciting), no stifling moans – just you in your own house in your own bed with your own vibrator. Perfection 10 years ago, utterly boring now. Truly, the grass is always greener.
So, my legions of underage adventurers, this guide is not for you. In fact, you could probably write it better than me, considering how often you need to hide your interludes from… everyone. Not that I’m endorsing that. None of my business. You (grown-up) and your (grown-up) partner have probably messed around in public before – but have you ever messed around in public by yourself? No? Oh, then you definitely need to. And I know that just by looking at the number of sex toys available designed to be “hidden” while in use.
First, bullet vibrators. Play in public either solo or with your partner with Doc Johnson’s Wireless Wonder. Typically I’m not crazy over Doc’s vibrators, but this one is wireless, powerful and quiet. Meetings, train rides, dinner dates, movies, concerts, waiting in line at the DMV… it’ll never be the same again. I’m totally taking this baby to traffic court next time. On the subject of both bullets and traffic court, the last time I went I took my phone/mp3 player thing. It made the wait bearable I guess, though everyone thought I was crazy for singing System of a Down acapella. What I should have had is an OhMiBod Club Vibe. Because how can you live the rest of your life without the goddess of all underwear, the vibrating panty? Had I been wearing this bullet on that fateful day, my socially conscious metal would have been giving me an orgasm, and my acapella singing would have been entirely different. This crazy bullet plugs into your mp3 player and vibrates with the beat of your favorite tracks. Best…invention…ever. I am ordering one of these and will be wearing it, like, all the time.
Something else you can wear all the time for public fun: butt plugs and geisha balls. Hats off to you if you can wear both at the same time, because I can’t. I tried. Do some Kegels while getting some anal love, all while you’re ordering your skinny caramel macchiato no-whip at 120 degrees. I know one guy who wears his butt plug to church. Sermons will never be the same again, though I do not suggest doing this at a church where anal pleasure will send you to hell. There, I’ve crossed 95% of potential churches off my list! Thank you, butt plug.
Finally, the icing on the cake, if you will: Stripper stuff to wear under your clothes. Rhinestone nipple pasties under your business suit? Of course. Satin leg garter? Who wouldn’t? Go from librarian to stripper in 4.5 seconds. Perfect for on-the-job sex. You nasty little co-worker!
So go out for sex next time – alone or with someone. I understand there are these “decency laws.” Which is what makes it all the more exciting. Don’t get caught! There’s very few places you can’t wear sex toys under your clothes – like going through airport security, for example. Or if you’re a nudist. You at least need some underwear to hold your toys in place.
Related articles:
