A town of around 13,000 that claims an 81% rate of Christianity, the London suburb of Upminster has been dubbed “England’s Sexiest Place” by Lovehoney UK. Since Upminsterites spend an average of almost eight times as much as other Brits on sex-related products, are all the heathens just wildly hedonistic – or are regular people realizing that sex is healthy, interesting and worthy of further exploration?
The borough of Havering hosts Upminster and has brought us Imogene Heap, the band Underworld, Cliff Williams from AC/DC and some footballers I’ve never heard of. A list of the most-read blogs in Upminster tells us that local denizens enjoy football and television. They also have windmills (or maybe just one heavily photographed windmill) and a lovely farmers’ market on the first Thursday of every month.
Sounds pretty average. Except for the fact that they spend more than 16 times the national average on porn, over 13 times more on couples’ sex toys and almost 10 times more on bondage gear. What is going on in Upminster? I did find one image that seemed apropos for the subject (image may or may not have been actually taken in Upminster). The artist’s somewhat heavy-handed message that “commuters are dicks” tells me there’s a sad, suburban, button-up culture there, one in need of some release. At least they have a train – most of us are driving SUVs around in circles and complaining about gas prices while we text. However, I suspect Photoshop was somehow involved in the creation of this picture, so I doubt the artist even owns one neon-colored dildo.
I’ve got some theories. For example, my research indicates that Upminster does not have a brick-and-mortar sex shop. Therefore, it might be easier to order sex toys online than to take the train to London and grope around for a scandalous shop. If fact, the citizens of Upminster might be worried about being seen in a London sex shop, so they flock to the internet for their sexual needs, which brings us to Lovehoney. The distinction of “U.K.’s Sexiest Place” is based on their sales figures. Does Upminster have a connection to Lovehoney? Maybe a bunch of people from Upminster work at Lovehoney, and they’ve convinced all their friends to buy from that company? Maybe friends and family discounts are involved?
If the U.S. had a similarly-dubbed town, I think it would be Mobile, Alabama, or Virginia Beach. How did I come to that conclusion? Both are decent cities situated on the coast in states where it’s illegal to sell sex toys. People on the coast tend to be, you know, relaxed, maybe more open to their sexuality. And they can’t go to a (legal) brick and mortar store to purchase sex toys without crossing state lines. Interestingly, Tickle has a pretty large customer base in Texas, where sex toy stores only recently became legal. At first glance this seemed entirely counterintuitive, but some Tickle office talk generated an explanation: Now readily available, Texans are just going crazy for sex toys. And who wouldn’t?
Probably not Provo, Utah, you might think. When I searched for “Provo, Utah sex toys,” Google suggested I might be looking for a Provo cotton shop. Curious what that was, I clicked, only to discover that apparently, quilting is popular in Provo. Why was I even looking in the heart of Mormonism for hedonism? Because Tickle also has a large customer base in Provo, Utah. Local law enforcement seems really worried about sex toys in Spencer’s, and while there are some Christian sex toy outlets nearby, it looks like slim pickings in Provo proper. So really, sex toy-buying in red-state America is a task best performed online. Provo joins Mobile, Virginia Beach and the entire state of Texas as a contender for the Sexiest Place in America.
However, the argument should be made that it’s really not very sexy to hide your sexuality behind your computer. It’s an interesting project that Lovehoney’s undertaken, one that has generated a lot of buzz in the UK. And what’s the least sexiest place? The map says it’s poor little Caledon, Northern Ireland, which is a historic plantation with actual Druids and a population of 389. It’s also in the same locality as the #3 spender – I kid you not – Bangor, North Wales. Maps are fun.
IS Upminster actually sexy? Or Bangor, Texas and Utah? Actually, no. But I do applaud them for their willingness to try new things. Suburbia is stranger than fiction, I say.
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About the Author
Kristine Empire is a narcissistic freelance writer in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. She likes vintage clothes, kills every plant she touches, has a phobia of grocery stores, enjoys getting shout-outs on college radio, and her favorite city in the world is Prague.
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February 6th, 2010 → 11:40 am @ KristineEmpire
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